kenapa laaaa.....

paling tak masuk akal bila jantung aku berdegup kencang macam lari 1500m di trak waktu aku tengok profil engkau...
paling tak masuk akal bila aku masih rasa suka nak mampus bila aku tengok muka engkau walaupun dari profil engkau..
paling tak masuk akal bila aku masih mengharapkan balasan perasaan dari engkau walaupun aku tahu benda tu memang tak mungkin..
paling tak masuk akal bila aku masih fikirkan engkau walaupun engkau ada jauh kat sana buat apa entah aku pun tak tahu,,
paling tak masuk akal kenapa aku boleh suka dekat engkau...
paling tak masuk akal kenapa engkau masih dalam fikiran ni...
engkau hanyalah crush aku!
full stop!
kenapa engkau masih dalam otak aku nie?
kenapa engkau kerap muncul dalam mimpi aku? siap indah2 punya mimpi lagi tu!
kau boleh tak jangan buat aku macam nie?
kau boleh tak jangan mumcul dalam mimpi aku lagi?
sebab aku rasa kau adalah karma aku..
disebabkan apa yang aku lalui dulu.. ini yang aku sedang terima...
aku tidak kisah kalau ini adalah balasan...
tapi tolong..
jangan lama sangat dalam otak dan hati aku boleh kah?
supaya aku boleh terima orang lain pula...
takkan kau yang aku tak dapat ni nak ambil hati aku pula?
banyak cantik!
bagi balik cepat!

emosi bila aku tengok muka engkau wahai encik LaLa...

a love story to be told..

he has light brown eyes...
with his Sarawakian accent that can never be forgotten...
him with his dark brown skin...
his height was around 170-ish cm... not that tall.. but tall enough...

what was he like you ask?
well...
he love making jokes and all of them are laughable...
he love looking at her eyeliner on her eyes... she wonders why...
he's serious but always has been romantic...
when he's upset...his manly tears will flow without he himself noticed it...
when he's sincere about something, don't ever doubt him... cause he's being damn serious...

and that was him...
the him that she knows...

they met for the 1st time when she worked in a restaurant...
he was the customer...

people compliment her for her beauty...
she's thankful but never been proud... cause she knows beauty can never last forever...
people asked her out and wanted to get to know her..
she'll smile and walked away..
and sometime she simply make friends with them and let them know relationship can never be more than they aspect them to be...
she's being picky....
she doesn't want to take love for granted..
at least not anymore...

he ordered and he looked at her eyes to eyes...
she's being nervous... but acted as normal as possible...
and as she leave the table....
she left her heart there..
that man...
he took it away....

after the 1st time, comes second times, third and countless...
he asked for her number for a few times but she refused...
she couldn't believe her heart..
he was only a desire she thought...

he never stopped asking...
and one day...
she gave him a shot...
for the 1st time... she gave her number....
he didn't called on the same day... but did on the next...
she asked him why so?
he said..
the whole night, he couldn't believe that she gave him her number..
he even thought that she'd lied about giving her real number...
she laughed... the 1st joke that was made by him...

conversation continue...
from job... to activities... to hobbies... to feelings....
he told her he fell for her...
not because of her looks...
he was being honest...
her heart ache but somehow she was happy about it....
no one ever said that..

he then told her the whole story..
about his bestfriend who has a crush on her...
he was showing him what she like..
he saw her but his heart didn't feel a thing...
then somehow...
when he kept playing around teasing her...
his urge of wanting her has increased...
he told her not to rush....
he told her to be honest to her heart...
and finally.. he told her... 'i sincerely like you...'
he doesn't know that phrase was enough to melt this ice cold heart..

she thought about it...
she considered...
and she said yes...
and they had declared their relationship...
it was all great..
they had their argument... but it'll only last for few hours..
they don't talk much about lovey dovey stuff..
they acted like a best friend...

and comes one day...
she has to study somewhere far..
being apart from him...
he wasn't happy about it but he has no choice..
she has her own dream to achieve... he knows..
he was scared of something...
his heart doesn't feel good about it...
he told her not to leave him...
she said she won't...

she lied....

she purposely started an argument..
she purposely made him angry...
she purposely made him say the phrase...
without him noticing her plan..
he said it...

'lets break up..'

she knows he doesn't meant it at all..
but she cruelly use it as an excuse....
she ended it for real...

he begged her...
she refused.... she didn't listen.... she can't...
he talked about his problem to his best friend..
hoping for advise..
he consulted her...
trying to get her back but she said she will never go back...
she didn't give him a chance...
when he asked why...
she didn't give him a solid reason... she just end it...

for days he called her... her sister..
he talked to her elder sister hoping for her to understand..
he talked to the wrong person...
her sister was way heartless... he didn't know...

a year has passed...
she went back to her hometown...
she was hoping to bump into him somewhere...
she didn't...
her feeling told her he moved....
tears falling from her eyes...
hoping it wasn't as she thought it was....
please....
don't moved yet she hoped...
she haven't talked to him yet..
she haven't explain everything yet...
one year is enough for him to cool down..
and for her to explain the truth..

she got the news today...
he already moved back to his hometown.....
all she can do is to stare at the blank...
he doesn't know the whole story yet...

he doesn't know why she wanted to break up so bad...
he need to know now....
the reason is that he deserve someone better..
someone who can love him for who he is...
love him sincere and dearly...
he needs to know that she can't live with someone only based on love...
her lifestyle doesn't allow her to...
he needs to know the age difference is also the reason..
he's too serious and she's still at her early age of growing up...
and he needs to know...
she does love him a lot but it still was not enough....
he needs to know... that he wasn't the only person who cried when they ended everything...
he needs to know he wasn't the only person who got hurt when they ended everything...
she was hurt too...

she got her karma..
and still going through it..
she didn't mind...
she deserve it...

and to him..
she has a message...
she said she's sorry for not loving him enough...
she's sorry for not holding him tightly like she should..
she's sorry for all the tears that has drop from his pretty eyes..
she's sorry for giving him a chance...
she's sorry cause she only can express her feeling by saying sorry....

to him..
live well there...
she hope he didn't move because of her...
she hope he'll find a good Sarawakian to be his wife...
a woman who can love him with all her heart...

to him...
she will never forget him....

one day... this will be passed down....
and hopefully that one lucky day....
he will read this... and understand why she leave him....
he'll understand... and move on....

how i want to meet my soul mate.. (word of the day.. TOO MUCH TIME IN MY HAND..)

i'm currently single..

yes..

i have no boyfriend or sort...

no, i am not a Homo... 

i am not a Bi aswell... *but i never stop appreciating the beauty of all the ladies in this world..

it isn't because i'm too depress of boys that made me decide to be single..

no such things...

i will never stop dating merely because of this useless reason..

it is because i haven't found the right guy yet..

that's all..

because i have TOO MUCH time in my hand..

i have fantasies (emphasize the -es..) of how i should meet my soul mate..

and who my soul mate should be... 

these people includes Lee Min Ho, Jude Law and all the hot star that i couldn't even count with my fingers PLUS my toes...

yes yes.. as i said.. too much time in my hand...

but of all this fantasies...

there's one that i really want it to come true...

who the person is??

well.. amazingly.. i manage to make the person anonymous...

as in... i imagine a guy without a face.. :)

the guy HAVE TO BE TALL... masculine but not too much please... have a hot melting smile... and short neat hair...

this is how the story of our love life should begin...

i was in Europe..

i was chased by a bunch of people... (for what reason i don't know....)

then i had to hide and i when i was looking for a hiding place.. i saw Starbuck...

no no... i didn't stop for a drink.. =="

i look around and try to find a hiding place...

and when i was heading to the women's washroom...

i changed my mind... 'why not the men's washroom?? those idiots won't figure that out!'

so i ran to the men's washroom and found myself a guy...

no no... stop with your wild kinky guess...

he was not 'ehem'-ing...

he was washing his hand from doing it.. ;p

(by the way.. the washroom is a single person washroom... so i guess he didn't lock his door.. ;p)

so i 'shuus' him.. asking him to help me out and tadaaa... he did it without saying much!

so he managed to save me from those idiots who chased me for no reason...

and we had a drink...

==" why is my imagination so weird?? i don't know.. really...

it was my treat.. since he saved my ass.. opss.. i mean arse... haha

then i leave the place without leaving my number or name...

i was hoping he would asked but he didn't... =="

months later...

i'm back in Malaysia

i was interviewing for my first job in a law firm.. kehkehkeh

the president of the firm personally interviewed each one of the interviewee...

no no.... the president was not him....

he was old and rich.. lol

i had a great relationship with the president...

sometimes he made me feel like i should just marry him for being so nice... 

he's single anyway.. the wife died or something... 

one day he asked for my home address..

i gave it to him...

i still live with my parents...

then he came to my house....

met my parents... OMG... no way he gonna ask my parents to let me be his wife right??

then he said... 'i want your daughter....'

dad will say 'ohmo?! you can be my daughter's granddaughter!'

the he said.... 'i haven't finish my word yet.. :) i want your daughter to be my daughter... daughter in law....'

then i will say.....'ohmo ohmo!! i don't even know him?!'

he said.. 'then get to know him... he'll be back from Europe next week... call him before hand... i told him about you... just say yes and everything settled..'

then i say... 'i need to know him first...'

he said 'you will love him.. cause he's just like me.. '

=="

i called him.. and he said he don't want to marry me.. he like someone else... 

then i said lets just meet up 1st...

then we met and he was actually looking for me...

a day before marriage...

i asked him..

'why didn't you asked for my number when we met the last time?'

he rep..

'because i was waiting for you to give me yours...'

i said...

'n i was waiting for you to give me yours aswell... thumbs up for our ego..'

then we got married.. and we live happily ever after...

this is bull.. =="

list of my 'someday'...

i'm now 19 years 3 months and 9 days old...
and i had dream of a lot 'someday' that i myself couldn't recalled..

when i was 4..
my wish was someday, i will go to school and meet new friends..
it turns out that i hated school...
because i was bullied by a fat girl sitting behind me..

when i was 10..
i wish someday time will move faster than they should and i will be older than i was..
it turns out that now all i wish is to be back to the old days having no worries about this tough world we are living in..
my only worry was getting bad result in my Chinese language paper..
oh! and science! I suck at the two subject.. lol

when i was 15..
i said to myself..
'no worry hanis... someday, you will get to sleep the whole week if you want to.. when you finish you SPM'
it turns out that my after SPM was more hectic than i was in school..
i was too busy being a business woman taking care of my new restaurant...

so now...
when i'm 19..
i think i'm mature enough to think of my someday..

so someday... i will be a lawyer...
cause this has been my dream since i was 5...
and because i haven't become anything yet for now...
so i hope this someday will come true...

someday.. i will make my parent's life more comforting than now...
i know they live well now even maybe without my help..
but if i could, i don't want them to feel any burden at all..
all they need is to spend their life doing things they dream of..

someday.. i will meet myself a very handsome and rich guy to be my husband..
someone who's like the prince in every fairly tales..
this is ridiculous i know...
but i really really really wish this ridiculous dream will come true.. hehehe

someday, if my wish of becoming a lawyer comes true,
i wish that i will have my own firm...

someday,my hair will magically be smoother and becomes naturally straight.
what the.....
yeah yeah..
can't a wavy hair girl wish for this kind of stuff??

someday, i wish my face will never ever ever ever have acne scar or anything that relates to make my face ugly..
can that happen? lol
seriously.. if only all this face acne can just poof away....

someday, there will be a drink that can make all the fats in the body to burn in a nick of time...
like just poof!
and there comes a hot body for me... hehehe

someday, me and my siblings will have an annual family event every year bringing our children along having a great time..
maybe go abroad for holiday together or something...
there will be no hatred between us, if ever we were angry at each other, it will only because we love each other too much...

someday, me and my family will be a family that is complete in religion and good ethics...
be among the people who goes to heaven...

someday.... i hope all the things i mention will come true...
and when everything happens..
i will be the happiest person in the world...
but if it doesn't, never mind...
Allah has a better plan for me...
and plus..
some of my someday are impossible... =="

kisah cinta org dulu2...

it was Saturday when i went to my relative's wedding... i'm sure they were my relatives since the brides' father is my moms' relatives..
me following the oldies... i was the driver for my mom since she hates looking for parking.. i don't blame her.. i hate it too... so i followed her.. bringing her and another two of my aunts to the destination we were heading.. its around Kabota... near Megah Jaya...
on my way there... my mom and my aunts recall the time when they were young..
how they walk for a distance of  almost 1 km to their cousin's house celebrating eid together...
swimming at the river nearby and mommy being the champion when it comes to swimming...
everything they shared with me made me feel like i was there too.. with them swimming along.. walking those distance without feeling tired... it made me closer to my mom...
so when we were at the wedding... it turns out the brides' dad was my uncle.. i just remember actually.. hehe
they invited us in... gives us foods but my mom asked me to diet before we went to the wedding so i just ate dessert.. ;p
the place wasn't crowded at all.. i think its because we went there late afternoon...
after a while... our table was before sat by only me, mom and aunts were then packed with my uncle and few other aunts...
it was awkward for me since they spoke the language that i didn't know at all.. ==" i blame mom for that... she only understand Bugis but doesn't really know how to speak them well so its hopeless for her to teach me Bugis.. never mind..
that was when the story started....
my uncle's love story...
it went back to 1977 when he decided to propose to the girl he loved for 15 years..
i found out the 'middle man' between my uncle and the girl was my mom...
the girl was from peninsula Malaysia..
between uncle and her.. their love was so real and so pure...
'dulu2.. pakcik segan mau pegang tangan dia... malu... macam tu baru la cinta sejati... tgk budak2 sekarang... ntah apa2 jak... itu cinta mondok! cinta main2!' he said...
i agreed... the love now was only base on sexual attraction... the real meaning of love that was once pure has now become shady.. ruined...
so when he wanted to propose the girl.. he bought himself a ring for her... made himself a passport and only waited signal from the girl's family..
it was 1977.. so surely there's no phone... he waited for a letter from her..
he wrote to her dad.. saying that he was not rich... he was not perfect... he loved her and he hope that her father will accept him...
his father wrote back.. saying it doesn't matter if you(uncle) don't have money.. all you need is to come here and we'll discuss about everything...
he was too excited.. so he went to the bus station wanting to go to the airport..
he was stopped by his brother-in-law...
brother-in-law told him that he shouldn't go... its not safe to be there.. especially being in a foreign place alone... 'you might get lost there' he said.. 'you might not find your way back here' he continued...
uncle respect his in-law.. so he listen to him..
he was too depress..
he was a bus driver back then... so for a whole week...
he cried... for a distance of 3++ km... he cried the whole journey..
when he was asked who he wanted to marry...
he said:'you choose for me.. as my choice was her and only her.... and if its not her its fine.. but i won't choose anymore.. so you choose for me... a girl that you like... any girl... i won't mind..'
so he got married to the girl he doesn't like..
but their marriage stand strong till now... he have 6 children and he looks happy as he is.. there's scar deep down but he sure hide it well...
the story haven't done though!
few months ago... he went to peninsula... for some occasion i myself not sure of... so he decides to meet her..
the girl he once cried the whole week for..
the girl he couldn't have...
so he asked his wife's permission... when she approved... he then went to the address stated decade ago...
amazingly.. he found her house.... with the help of his son...
she doesn't live that well.. but she may be happy he said...
that's what matter...
she have to be happy.....

and it ends there.....
he went back home....
most importantly..
he's satisfy....

it was a great story.. i'm not sure if u appreciates the love they had... i do.. that's the love i want.. a pure one.. but i want the ending to change.. i want to be with the person till the end... and not half way thro.. hopefully.. Insha Allah...