my misunderstanding..

have you ever thought that you're not loved anymore..
that you've been left out by these particular circle of people..
that you thought you are not needed anymore?
that you feel like running away out of suffocation thinking they the one who cause them...

just when you misunderstood this things..
just when you think about the worst of everything...
they are there worrying about you...
thinking of your well being...
questioning themselves are you fine being on your own in this mean world without them by your side..
praying for the safety of your life regardless if it may risk theirs..

sincerely...
i thought i was 'you'..
i thought i am not needed and i am left out alone..
this is my thin minded teenage thought..
my stupidity that leads me to all the misunderstanding..
typical me who think that i'm too protected by them..
me who think that they don't believe i can't survive well in this world..
me who think they who live their whole life with me don't understand a bit about me..

how can i not see all their sacrifices..
how can i think the worst of these people when all they did was great deeds..
God...
forgive me of being this naive...
i didn't know.. i really didn't know..

i failed them many times..
they get angry...
yet.. they never give up on me..
i thought all they did was pushed me to above my limitation..
who knew that they actually know my ability is much higher than i am now..
they knew all along...
i'm the one who underestimate myself..
not them...

i didn't dare to call him..
i was too afraid..
what will he say??
surely i know i disappointed him again this time...
i know i may not be qualify of his apology..

when he called me..
he asked for my well-being..
he asked me and worry about me...
gives me advice and reminds me of who i am and how i should be...
saying it with his loving tone..
not angry at all..
all i heard was the voice who sounds so worry of his child..
i'm thankful...
of having a father that no one else could have..

i'm really thankful to have this family..
family who cares so much about each other..
family who pushed each other to do what others may think is absurd...
family who believes in each other and depends on each other..
family who in the end.. i know will always sticks together..

i'm sorry for all iv'e done..
this naive me know nothing other than to worry all of you..
this troublesome me always upset everyone of you..
please know all good that i have become is due to all of you guys and God..
and also know the bad that is in me is all from what i have learnt myself..
it's my own fault..
you people creates the best out of me...
thank you my family..
for all the worry and care..
also the scolding and advice...

my dream holiday destinations....

i was inside the car on my way home from KL to Shah Alam...

since i couldn't really study while i'm inside the car..(i'll get dizzy)

i did my most serious addiction in the world..

DAYDREAMING! 

this habit has been with me for the past forever and i think it'll stick with me till forever...

i tried real hard to avoid this attitude but i'm helpless... *looking on the floor with no hope*

back to what was on my head..

i was imagining myself being filthy rich being all that and all... LOL

i know this dream is too common but just deal with it..

then i was thinking about how would i spend all my money with..

minutes later!

my brilliant head suddenly pop out about the thought of going for a super duper long holiday for myself..

there are just so many places i want to go which i don't think i'll finish my whole life going to all of them!

1st place came in mind...

Sipadan Island!!

what am i saying? of all the place in the world??

well yeah... of all the place.. of course i'm supporting the wonder world of our own country! :)

Sipadan Island is an island full with under world beauty..

if i'm not wrong... it was last year official nominee for one of the 7 most beautiful and unique wonder world..

although we may not win.. but it shows how beautiful this island is..

2nd place in mind..

Maldives!

i was first attracted with Maldives because it's my favorite actor's holiday place to go...

then, i got influence by both of these people... watched WGM.. 

then i google this place myself and this is what i found..

what a beautiful scenery right?

a wonderful place for honeymoon..

or maybe for heart-broken soul... 

this place makes everything seem just so wonderful...

3rd place would bring us to...

Itali! 

the place is not specific...

it can be Rome...

it can also be Milan...

yes.. Rome can be a place full of religious Christian... but it doesn't mean i cant come here right? :)

gorgeous.. isn't it?

what a sight to see....

Rome may be the center of Christian Religion..

also may be the place where the Holy Father Pope came from...

BUT!

the history within this country made every other thing seems nothing... 

as long as your intention to come here for sight seeing and uncover the history.. then it'll be fine.. :)

not to forget Milan.. this is a language school i think...

don't this just wow you? :)

either Milan... or Rome....

it's a place where i can find history... hot Italian... and finest buildings...

what else do we need?? right?

4th place in mind....

that will be Seoul Korea!

thank to the convincing Korean dramas that i watched...

this is the place where all the korean hot guys and girls came from!

nice right??

and when you go to Korea...

of course you have to go to the most popular island right?

it's none other than Jeju Island!

the waterfall seem so inviting~ 

and this is the Mount Halla... although KK's Mount Kinabalu is not less attractive... but it seems like going here may be a little more rewarding.. since's its a foreign country afterall..

5th place in mind~

this will be Taiwan <3

nowadays... my attraction has changed a little towards taiwan drama..

and it's more comforting since i can understand Mandarin...

this will be the main city of Taiwan.. Taipei... 

if i'm not wrong.. this is the Chung Tai Chan Monastery... what a beauty..

i'm pretty tired with all the typing and all the google-ing for pictures.. 

this is some of my dream places to be...

it's not everything yet!

there's also New York City a.k.a the Big Apple also the City that's never sleep!

there's United Kingdom where i wanted to study.. 

people...

this may be the place i dream of going...

but there's a place i don't just dream, but i WANT AND NEED to go for sure no matter what!

this place is nothing compare to the places i dream of going...

i could just die out of happiness if i could just come to this place..

where else if it's not the Holy City of Mecca and Madinah...

Subhanallah....

Insha Allah.. i will come here... God willing.. :)

wait! don't get speechless yet!!

i haven't show you the city of Madinah!

don't this just look amazing...

this is the Nabawi Mosque...

i will come here someday...

Mecca has been the center of the place for all Muslim..

the Kaabah has been the Kiblat to show Muslim which direction they should bow to when they pray..

it was constructed by Nabi Ibrahim and His Son, Nabi Ismail...

sorry for all the non-Muslim...

this place is strictly for Muslim only...

this Holy place is for us to complete our 5th Pillar of Islam...

that is ~> a pilgrimage to Mecca which is for our Hajj...

this is also a place full of Islamic History...

and with God's willing.. i WILL come here someday...

Amin..... (ramai2 kamu cakap amin supaya termakbul doa kue!))

dugaan bah nie kan Ya Allah? kan??

first of all..

thank you best friends...

i'm touched by each one of you..

for caring so much about me..

for sparing me some of your attention and care...

thank you for being there for me when i thought i have no one..

thank you for saying things that comfort me..

thank you for giving advise though you quite know that some of them doesn't really help.. :)

but still.. thank you...

this may sound ridiculous, but i'm going back to my path..

i think i'm not lost anymore... i'm talking about my religion.. 

it may be ridiculous because of how i was before and how i end up now..

i want to be closer to God...

BUT..

this doesn't mean i'm going to do a drastic changes..

i may not be wearing hijjab yet..

i may not be wearing outfits that covers all of my skin yet...

i may not stop cursing yet..

i may not be a fully obedient child yet...

it takes small steps for me to move forward but small steps is enough rather than no steps at all..

small steps is enough as long as this small steps brings me straight to Allah's path..

since i'm trying to be a good Muslimah..

i think God starts to give me His attention again...

He gives me obstacle again...

He starts making me stronger than i was again..

He starts making me think again...

Alhamdulillah Ya Allah..

i can't cry through this pain i am going through now..

i can't be weak..

i know that is what God want me to do..

to be strong and to face them with no fear...

why am i upset lately..?

just that if... and only if...

i couldn't be what i wanted to be... my ambition...

then it has already been a fate from God..

other than God Himself, no one else can stop me from becoming what i want to be...

i'm facing my obstacle right now...

about my ambition...
it's so upsetting that i can't even focus on my study...
it's so upsetting that i don't know what to think right now..
i can't lie that i didn't cry...

i did.. 

but this doesn't mean i'm giving up.. not at all!

but then..
if i am ought to change my ambition,

i have second choice in mind..

another hard ambition...

but i don't think i can find other thing that suit me well other than the two ambition i have..

Allah have His own way to show me His love for His humble slave...

i am now accepting the love and will return it with honor..

i will try to do good and i will try to be better..

i'm making no sense again right? if so.. ignore me.. and move on to your next blog.. ;p

i seem like a useless person once again...

when you supposed to get support from them..
all they did was looking down at you..

when you hope for them to be there the most..
all they did was backstab you..

please know...
i am not all useless..
i do have feelings..
i do know what people say behind my back...
i know a lot more than you think...

just this once..
don't make me look like a fool..
don't play with my feelings as if i don't have any...

please... as the most important people in my life..
don't do this to me...

i feel like i'm a fool that don't have any shelter anymore..
i don't feel myself being protected anymore...
where are these people that were there for me...
i guess he was right...
i'm on my own now...
thank you for letting me know..

my scary dream...

it was 3 in the morning... i just remembered i haven't did my Isyak prayer yet.. it a bit late for it but then, better late than never right?

a relief after i did my job as a Muslim..
i directly went to bed right after knowing that its already late..

my dream was suppost to be a trip..
i'm sure it was since i was inside a car with some other people which i don't really know who..
we were heading to KK i guess as along the way, there was a lot of hills around..

while the driver drive the car, one of the hills (or maybe mountain since its really2 tall..) suddenly falls into little parts...
that was the hill on the left side...
when i look at my right side.. another hill was separating into small parts as well..
we were too panic that the driver drove as fast as he could just to avoid the huge rock that's slowly falling and by any second, one of them might even hits our car..
adrenaline was rushing like crazy...

another second later, we fell from the hill which was actually mountain...
but that wasn't the end yet..
when we fell, the feel was extremely scary cause whats waiting for us below was way more scarier than the falling rocks..
there was tornado swirling and the size of it was just huge!

i thought... 'oh God.. i guess this is where my life ends huh..'
the fact that we were falling and the tornado was just right below us... =="

i don't know how..
we arrived in this island..
atmosphere changed...
the surrounding was great....
it turns out that i thought i was dreaming...
in my dream.. i dream that i had a nightmare..

i guess that not the end...
something happened again...
the island.. something wrong with the island...
there was white clouds everywhere and it kills people..
the only way to get out from there was to swim to the other side of the island..
which was not as close as you think...

ridiculous right?
storms occurs right after...
me and another guy(i really don't know who this guy is.. apparently he may be to one who drives the car... and there's a girl beside him since i sat at the back... so i really don't know who they are...) swim through the ocean and the dream stopped there...
i woke up not knowing whether i survived or not..

the scene was just too scary...
till now i couldn't really forget how the tornado was and how cloudy and reddish the clouds and tornado was...

this reminds me of the end of the world..
what i saw may not even close to how the actually scene will be...
i may be worse..

how i will end my life?
as a true Muslim or as a khafir?
God knows everything that i don't...
i hope it'll end well for me..
Insha Allah...

a crush again? no way right? hahaha pedophile me..

i know its funny...

and i might sound like a pedophile.. (like what Iman said about me.. lol)

but i somehow for once fell hard for this Malay guy that i found few months ago and he's younger than me..

its not that i don't have any interest at any other Malay guy, but other than this Chinese guy that i really3 like since my 1st semester in Taylor's college, all other guy was just a blur to me..

all of them are more for me to watch than to try to flirt to..

After finding out that the guy i had a hard crush on has already have a girlfriend, i tend to move on and just forget about this crush of mine..

Few months back, it was the new intake session where new students enters our college...

back them of course my feelings was still unchanged for the one person that i cared about.. :)

although he's not my boyfriend but yeah... things like this happens sometime.. we can't aspect anything from it..

it was when i went up the stairs from cafe to my class that i started noticing him.. 

he whom i just found out with the name of N.Hamdi... :) very interesting...

by then he was just a guy who i think have an interesting look... full stop.. and that's that. nothing more..

but after awhile, because of the uninterested-of-having-any-relationship-with-anyone face that he always make when some girls look at him... it makes me feel that he's more appealing that way...

because of the way he most of the time only walk with his group of guy friends makes me feel like i want to have him... hahaha LAME...

a while has passed..

and i start noticing him again... teehee...

but since its the end of my college year... i'll just let him go and move on.. haha 

i'm not hoping to have him anyway...

the fact that the Chinese-already-have-a-girlfriend guy is still kinda stuck in my head for a while...

i don't think its right to like someone else while dating another.. (though i kinda use to always do that...)

so now for my last semester of A-Level.. lets just struggle my ass off and be happy with what i already have... my beloved bestfriends in Taylors.. dont knw when can i meet them again after this.. haish.... 

:)

My Understanding of Friends.. Plus.. Some old memories to be share.

I can officially say that i have been through friendship life for 17 years since i was 2? 3? 4? Well, since i kind of forgot how friendship was back when i was 2 and 3, i'll start when i was 4 years old then. :)

Remember those days? When you finally get to go to school and you're so excited about it that you can't stop talking about it? Can't wait meeting new friends and study in class and play with friends and go around with friends and study with friends again (LOL). In my situation, back then, i only love recess and i hate classes. BUT! i was a very hard working young girl. WAS. Back in kindergarden, i always get bullied by a fat girl sitting beside me. Always pinched me when she gets the chance to do so. Then there's this boy who loves to steal toys that my dad bought for me so i hate him so much that i called my dad to school just to scold him. Teehee.

(memories..)
I remember the moment when i wake up in the morning, dad will be the one who's responsible on bathing me while mom will make the breakfast. What he'll do was that he put a basin of water and put A TONES of soap in there so that i'll be interested to have my bath and play with bubbles. Imagine my dad do that every day just so that i'm comfortable. :'(

So every morning, mom will make me two super yummy milk (in baby bottle), one is when i'm at home as my breakfast, and another one is for me to drink in car. I'll always lay my head on my dad's thigh while drinking my milk and he'll be driving me to school. And when we arrived, i'll be crying and refusing to go because of the bully in my class. I didn't like friends much back then.

Then there's my neighbour, annoying little bitch. I can officially say that all of my siblings and cousins hate her. How could she called my dad, daddy aswell?? unforgivable! Best part was when we were playing in this huge drain near our house, catching little frogs, she was standing near the drain so my cousin and me kind of pushed her into the drain and we ran like crazy! The satisfaction was just amazing. hahaha

So this was why i hated being friend with anyone when i was younger. The only friends that i want to be with was my siblings and my cousins. Even though i'm friend with my cousins, we have our moments when we argue for no reasons just cause we hate looking at each other's face. 


when i was 6, dad got his promotion so we moved from Kota Kinabalu to Tawau.


Back then, i remembered my arguement with my cousins because of some unknown reasons. We end up hitting each other so hard. If i'm not mistaken, it was 2 vs 1. My cousins vs me. (I lived with my aunt back then cause my house wasn't fully renovated yet) I think what makes us really close was when i had my high fever. I was too sick for school and i remember myself walking like a drunk person. Dad bought me my favourite rice cracker. I gave my cousins some of them and we got close right after that. :) That was when i start knowing that there's also different kinds of friends.

In school, although i was 6, my dad sent me to primary one just because i studied in early age, but because of my still too immature attitude, i always eat in class and annoy the teacher, after few months, i went back to kindergarden. Lol. Then i met more new friends. One of my friends that i always hung out with love to steal things from me. Though i know about it, i still wants to be friend with her just because i thought thats just her attitude. hehehe

Therefore, i found out that this is when i could accept friends though they just wanted to take advantage out of me. I found out that all i need was new stuffs or foods to have new friends.


So up from 7 to 12, my primary school moments, i found that i can 'Clique' with male friends rather than girl friends. i remember having only two close girl friends back then. But for guys, there were a lot of them to start with. Played around mostly with guys almost everyday was more fun than having stupid girl talk in class.

I remembered when every time i argued with my girl friends, even if it was my mistake, they'll be the one who apologize to me. It all end up that there was reasons for their behaviour. i know right? kecil2 dah pandai bodek.

There was this incident when one of my guy friend was joking around with me with inappropriate act, so i told Ustaz about it and BOTH of us end up getting scold by him. hahaha

Ustaz said: "Hanis, jangan la selalu sangat main dengan kawan laki, tak bagus tue..."

But since i was too comfortable with guys, i still end up hanging around with the same group of guys.

This was when i decide to make more guy friends than girl friends. Its not like girls understand me. Plus its more fun playing with guys than girls.


Then there was high school. This was when all the fun starts.

I was a very snobbish girl. Since i was in 1A, i feel inferior for a second. The only person i started being friend with was Phoebe Pang. Yeap, my first friend who sat beside me whom i also found out that she studied in Sk ST Patrick which means she don't write Chinese well. I remembered how great it was when we would write letters to each other even though she sat only beside me.

When i looked at every other students which was not from my class, i'll be glaring than looking at them with a smile. When i applied for Prefect, i was responsible for taking care 1C class. That was when i met Miss Syarifah Maimunah, Miss Nurul Zanariah, and Miss Nurul Fathnie. Still, i was snobbish as ever. And to make it more fun, they hated me too. They hate me a lot. People like Valenny, Dayang, Iman also started hating me before we starts being friends.

the 1st person i got close to was Fathnie. All thanks to Persatuan Sej dan Geo.  Then there's Iman. All thanks to Prefect. There was Valenny who started hating me cause she thought i steal her boyfriend which was actually my best friend back then and when she broke up with him, then he became my boyfriend. Teehee Me and Vel and Dayang end up being good friends. Before i got close to Fathnie by the way. Then Dayang moved to Kota Kinabalu which leaves me, Fathnie and Vel.

Before knowing all the other girls other than Phoebe, i got to know guy friends from form 2. We end up being so close because they knew my elder brother. :) There were 5 of them if i'm not mistaken and all of them were B-Boy. breakdancers. So i always spend my break either with Phoebe or my guy friends. That was when Vel started thinking that i steal her boyfriend cause one of the guy was her boyfriend, Fletcher.

In form 2, we have our annual sports day where everyone will take part in doing sports and such. That was when i got close to Chie(syarifah) and Zana(Nurul). It was partly because of Fathnie whom was Chie's classmate and Zana was Chie's long term best friend since they were in primary and another part of the reason was because we have our marching event for each one of our 'rumah sukan' = team.

Since then, i never parted with them, ever. We go everywhere almost everyday, talked almost everything, text almost every time. Don't ever think that there was no conflict between us. We argued sometimes. There was once about something that involved one of the friend members. But it then settled after we had our meeting. How glad. But i end up not being close to that friend anymore just because i don't believe her anymore.(now we're friend once again.. :) )

I learnt that i can end friendship and friends has become more meaningful to me. I enjoyed every moment that we had and never regret  once of all the things that had happened to us. 


In form 3, i get to know Her. She was such an innocent little thing. Really sincere of being friend with Her that without knowing what happened, i end up hanging with Her most of my time rather than hanging out with my own bestfriends. I even have my recess time with Her instead of the others. We get along pretty well that little by little, we get to know each secrets. I'll be worrying about Her while She did the same to me. She finally gets to know some other friends and some how after a while, i found out She has conflict with my friend's sister. Then i found out my bestfriends was so worried about me. There was even time when Chie wrote something on Friendster that touched me and has showed me how she cared si much about me.

My bestfriends have becomed my everything. They are the one i want to be with no matter what and they will always be the one i held on to till the end. 


Time passes... Skipped form 4..(too lazy to write now.. ;p)
But in short, thanks to tuition, I got to know MJ. They are my guyfriends whom i still held on to till the very end as well. my precious guy friends who always brings me to the dark side and pull be back to the bright side when they feel like it.

When i was in form 5. I went through a lot of drama from school, tuition and even home. I went through a very tough time that eventually made me feel thankful of what i had gone through. There was a moment when i had problem with guy that causes caotic incident. The girl i got to know back in form 3 was the same tuition with him. Something that She said has causes me so much pain. That was when i felt so betrayed and i feel more hurtful when i found out that she only came clean to when after she found out that i know about her telling him what meant to be our secret.

Anger control most of me, so i made a stupid act out of it. Her secrets leak just like that. The betrayed that i felt was too hurtful that i made something worse.

There was a side of me that i found out so unforgivefully mean. I shouldn't had done what i have done. It haunt me till this day. It seems that i cant take betrayal that calmly and i cant accept the fact that if i gave all my trust to that someone, they ended up breaking my heart and my trust just like that without thinking twice of what friendship means.


memories...
It was SPM. We were having our 4 hour break before our next Islamic Paper. MJ and Eunnicials end up going to town having the time of our life eating and hanging around in mall eating as if it was already holidays. we ate takoyaki, drank hot chocolate, ate chicken butter rice, and finally went back to college one hour before our paper. There was even picture of us walking to school. It was kind of crazy but because of this crazy things that we done, it made us closer and it gives me memories i can never erase.

Here, i already concluded that for girls, it was better to be friend with someone i already know for years rather than someone i get to know not longer cause they end up being a disappointment in the end. While for guys, it doesn't matter how long it took for you to get to know them, for me, once you know them, and appreciates them as a true friend, they goint to treat you the same aswell. 

bye highschool and hi college!

Just when i thought drama end when i step foot out from my high school.

I met this girl whom at 1st hate me. (As if i'm not use to it..) She thought i wanted to steal her ideal man. But because of this one event we had, it has made us closer. The next thing you know, we became best friend for life. LOL. Plus, her bestfriend was my classmate and i somehow treat miss classmate as my close friend already. It was because of the time when i cried and she was the one who comfort me. :)
I remembered.

After a while knowing and getting to know her, i find that there's bad side of her. Well, everyone have there own bad sides right, i have mine too, so i decide to just accept her flaws cause nothing can stop us being friends. THATS WHAT I THOUGHT.

I find that i become closer and closer to Maia. The next thing you know, i end up spending most of my time with her rather than my 1st bestfriend. So slowly, little by little, there become a gap between me and 1st bff. She noticed the distance and after a while she became friend with my schoolmate. I didn't mind it at all, until one day my schoolmate glare at me and it seems like she doesn't even want to look at me at all. Something wrong somewhere. I never had problems with her, what the heck happening here.

So truth came out that she talks nonsense about me. Interesting ex bff. :) I became closer to my schoolmate, plus the twins, plus mr Indian and his wife, shawty Maia, miss smarty ass, mr smarty ass and lately, i have become closer to miss Kota Kinabalu. There's just things t\about ms KK that i admire about. Stay awesome Miss KK. There's also miss cheerleaders, i had fun hanging out dancing with you girls. Mr hunks dodgers, all so hot and spicy. For teaching me dodgeball skills which i still fail till the very end, thank you. :)

Though i know no one will actually finish reading this, still i have my dedication to my beloved bestfriends around the globe(just Malaysia actually and some part of the world..)


For being honest to me, always cheer me up, always tells me my flaws and yet accepting them, for being patient dealing with my annoying attitude, not forgetting to those who backstabbed me which eventually made me stronger, for saying all the nonsense about me which made me think twice before doing anything, and for bestfriends whom still stands next to me to the very end,


thank you so much. If i could, i would bring you guys to everywhere i go but i know everyone has their own path to go to, be healthy anywhere you are, don't miss me too much, think of me when you have time, have some lunch with me when you're free, catch up with me through phones every time you get the chance and lastly, make sure to treasure our friendship as how it is.


While for my opinion on friendship, 
It's worth understanding what friends is all about. It may hurt most of the times when they tease you, when some backstabbed you, when another crushed you. These kinds of feelings are like relationship between boyfriend and girlfriend, you need to understand to control them well. And when you finally manage everything, you'll know who is your friend and foe are. 




ADAKAH ORANG MO BACA POST KUE NIE? ==" PANJANG BEBENO LA PULOK.