clear things out~

i thought i already did this but i guess i just hav to do it all over again...

i may talk alot bout my dear wan muhd hafiz..

:)

but the fact is we are not a couple....
NOT A COUPLE...
we are NOT A LOVERS... NOT A SCANDAL... NOT HAVING ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WHICH LEADS TO THAT SAME EXACT CONCLUSION...

it just happen that we've been tthro a lot that makes me feel what i felt and say what i said in my blog...

so here i am...
single...

 dont have any boyfriend(s)...
at all....
:)

there u go...

spare me some thoughts... is it my fault? her fault? or his fault...?

it has been quite a while since i'vnt been in contact with mr wan muhd hafiz...
to be exact... it has been.... 2o smthing days... almost a month la...

the fact that this happens before make me more calm and relax this time..
if he's gone.. then he's gone...

but thats not the matter now...
i dont mind if he's gone...
but what if he re-appear??
what should i do by then??

he has been gone for too long now and suddenly TADAAA! he's there again!
what am i gonna do?

in my thoughts...
i was thinking really2 hard for the exact thing i shud do..
shud i ignore him...
shud i just talk to him and act like nothing happen..
shud i silently put revenge towards him...
lol...

it was like the hardest exam question that i hav to take in my whole life..
objective question...
haha

suddenly out of the blue...
he reappear... (just like how i imagine..)

1st thing he done was he popchat with my bestie... maia...
then with my sister..
from what they said...
he was letting out he's feelings to them...

maia as i already aspected.. scolded him as if its nobody's business.. typical maia...
cudden stop her... i knw she did that cause she cares about me... i love u maia.. :')
i dont knw what he says to my sister and what my sister reply but what happn was the next thing i knw...
zila ask me to look at her status...
ok...
it was about him la..
he asked my sister for my new number with the reason that he lost mine...
so sad.... cuz i remmbered sending few text to him using the new number...
obviously i hav been deleted.. just like the msges that he deleted...

after a while....
i opend my facebook...
there u go..
a poke from him....
and a msg from him....


ignored the msg... cause i thought that was the best...
and after a while..
he called...
i kinda didnt noticed.. kinda.. ;p
but then i feel bad.. LIKE I ALWAYS DO... WHEN ITS NOT MY FAULT FROM THE 1ST PLACE..
i texted him..
we texted each other and it ends there..
with me being still so relax about it..
somehow i dont get myself...
y am i so relax about it when he already did so much to me...
CUDDEN BELIEVE I HAV THAT MUCH OF PATIENCE IN ME.. LOL

he called so i answered...
still very much chill.. haha
i didnt get angry.. i dont feel happy aswell.. im just.... blerghh... ahahaha
the word sweetheart is still there...
i guess from how i sound like now...
yeah.. i made it like theres nothing happen.. :)

talked to him as usual... saying i love u like i normally do..
making silly promises tho i knw its not gonna come true...
(i believe that when 1st promise has been broken.. then the second and the next 1 will end up the same... i believe so..)

i need to make it crystal clear here....
me and him does not hav any relationship of being a couple... tho we act like 1... but in the end.. we're not... love use to be so strong between us.. but now its just too blurr that i dont hav faith in it anymore.. :) i will let go if i knw its time to let go.. when i tell u this story.. bare in mind that this happens to people who dont declare their relationship and make it clear of where they stand in the relationship they're having...

so...
dia cakap dia akan mgdakan hubungan dgn prmpuan yg dia suka and same goes to me...
making promises as he always do to convince me that someday... one of the promise that has been made will come true...
i made a decision to let him be....
(its not the 1st time anyway i face these kind of people...)
but the diffrence now is..
he wants to be that way... not me...
i dont want to hav a relationship where i hav more than 1 partner... i'v gotten tired of it.. literally...
if u giv me a guy who can be suitable for me now i can assure u that he will be my 1 and only...
cause i dont just want it to be fun.. i want it to be serious too..

so when he said that...
i still didnt bother to care... cause he did it before anyway.. what diffrence does it make now?
so we still with this relationship where im being my not bother self and him being his usual self....
a dissapointment...

just now..
when i was about to sing for my cousin's wedding.. LOL.. (i suck btw..)
i saw an anonymous misscall...
i called the number and i end up hearing this lovely lady's voice...

now im curious... whats wrong here..
she end up asking me whether apis is my bf and what our relationship was about...
out of sympathy... and guilt... i told her he is just a friend of mine...
she wasnt convince but my answer make her at least feel at ease...
she even told me that if we happn to hav any relationship... she'll back off..
how nice....
the fact that we dont makes me feel sad for her... cause they havnt declare their relationship too..
:( so sad for her.. she sound nice.. how will she react?

she text me and asked me some other things that bothered her...
i answered them... convincing but not the whole truth...
i cudden bare telling her anything.... so all i can say is 'im sure he was just crapping around.... im sure he likes u a lot..!(or else he wont do what he did to me..)'

now i feel really bad..
its obvious im lying to myself...
im lying to her..
and we're both trap in the same situation...

i sound so upset dont i...
because of how he treat us... i feel bad now... i feel that i need to stop everything now...
he shud knw what he hav done..

trying to reach him but i cudden...
all i want to say to him is that for him to just stay with her and leave me be...
i knw... i'll be better off without him around...
and i knw after this.. i cud find myself a proper man to be with.. nt a boy but a man...
some1 like Lala....

i use to cry for this guy...
but now the tears knws when is the only time i can cry and i dont hav to cry...
which is more worth of shedding tears for and whats not...

it may seem hard to satisfy me...
but to be honest.. the only thing that is needed to make me satisfied is for him to be seriously honest and loyal...
loyalty has put its grades up in the same level of honesty... congratulation.. lol

Mr perfect-in-my-eyes-dude-who-always-wears-black-or-white-sometime-red-blue... AKA LaLa..

this is dedicated specially for u...
yes you...

i'v been thinking for a while now..
what to write in my blog...
i hav a few draft about some other stories but i just dont think thats the right time to tell em to u guys... :)
but just now when i was in car...
i feel like something already missing in this already empty heart....
i knw im leaving a huge part of me behind...
my CRUSH ofcourse..
my long term crush.... my cudden change till now crush... my drug crush... my most irresistable crush!

today is the last day for me to meet him...
the fact that he's going to his hometown... im going to mine...
he's going to the west.. im going to the east.... (no clue where the heck east and west actually is... but u get what i mean... heh heh heh )

theres a few regrets that i just cudden forgive myself...
i regret on not wishing him luck...
i regret on always nver smiled when i walk pass him..
i regret on not saying my most probably last goodbye to him...
i regret that until the very end... i still end up being as cold as i am now towards him and vise versa.. when we actually cud hav a conversation as a normal human being.. friend to friend i mean....

but theres always good moments that i carry with me everywhere i go...
the fact that the 1st time he came... very 1st time i saw him.. i actually talked to him and he reply with a smile.. :)
the fact that altho i may be SYOKSENDRI... but theres a time when he's being a gentleman that makes me more adore him...
the fact that he always hav his cool sides no matter what happns...
the fact that we had lunch tgther b4.. with a bunch of other people... (haish... susah nie... byk rahsia bocor kalau truskan.... =="................ lantak la...)
the fact that i cud smile and blush just to talk about the above.. ==" seriously... ask iman and eiya..(mangsa luahan perasaan yg merana nie... heh heh heh..)
the fact that he has this very cute face when he smile.. hahaha MAIA KNWS WHY.. hahaha
and every other facts to add with...

and now im leaving for sabah...
everything about him is playing like a video inside my head..
bit by bit it plays for me...
and bit by bit lama2 jadi bukit.... so now my rindu for him from membukit to mengunung...

i wonder whether i cud ever talk to him again...
friends even asked me to start a conversation but IM JUST FREAKING SHY! ==" SERIOUSLY!!!
this is abnormal...
i dont nrmally do this kind of things...
i mean.. i dont normally get shy about this kind of things... lol....
it use to be so easy but its just so hard when its him... him who i call LALA..

and so...
i wish i cud be stronger...
i wish i cud face him and talk... not more than a friend... cause everything shud starts with a friend...
im not rushing things but from where i stand now.. im not even moving so giddy up hanis!!
haha
i use to want him soooo bad... thats just what i use to feel..
now i finally knw that i need him..
:) want is just an urge but need involves my life! haha no la... im not gonna kill myself for a dude.. =="

whats he's real name? where he studies? how old is he?
that... is a secret for me to keep...
i gav too much info already... :)

last wish for him...
tho i may need u like i said just now... but im not the over reacted obsessive bitch.. haha
find a girl for the perfect you and be a perfect couple for both of u... marrige is just too early to talk about so let it be that for nw.. hahaha
and and and!! be successful in life and after life..
*i even wish for another thing but its just to controversial to mention it here so imma keep it to myself... ;p

making choices...

being a lawyer is always what i dream of...
since i was 5...
yeap!!

and now im studying this course..
i thought...
'yes! i finally get what i want!'

but then...
few while after...
it just came to my mind...
hav i ever thought of whether im capable in taking this course?

to study law and become a lawyer...
they should hav :
1) the will to memorise all the act and cases...
2) the power to work hard..
3) strength to nver stop studying and nver get bored looking at tons of books...
4) knw at least how to debate and quick in thinking so that u wont ran out of idea when ur on court...
5) the power to resist bribary cause that always happens..
6) never whine..
7) love the law book...

well...
most of the above is quite hard for me to achieve...
i knw how to debate..
well.. thats what i always do when im with my mom.. XD
but im not that hard working...
i got my brain but im just to lazy to make it work...
i always sometime whine.... 'law is hard!' 'law suck'.. yet.. this is what i want and why am i whining nw??
i always love to go for justice so i guess bribary wont work on me...

so u see...
even if i got the ability to be a lawyer...
i still need to knw the act and all tho stuff involving cause if i dont knw those stuff... even if i do hav ability... any firm wont approve me....
to be a lawyer...
i hav to at least get a 3.0 and above...
now im below that and its hard for me to go up...
and when i say im trying..
im still sitting infront of this laptop and whine about my life...
=="
technology suck somtime...

therefore..
im now wondering...
what will i do if i wont be a lawyer...
what other things im capable of....

lecturer?
but to be a lecturer... i gotta hav experience of being a teacher for few years...
I DONT WANNA BE A TEACHER.. I JUST WANNA BE A LECTURER... does that even make sense?

should i take mascom instead and be in media?
journalism....
tourism....
whoa.... what if someday i become like one of those people who goes around the world and having the time of their life exploring the world and get paid from what they do plus becoming extremely popular??
not to forget successful too! it would be a dream come true!

business??
my maths is ok...
and i love the smell of money!
but im not that good in going around asking people to buy my product and stuff..
MALU lah.....
but if u ask me to go to the office and order people around and just sit down counting money...
then u can count me in!!

singer or actor?? LOL
to be honest..
i thought of this before...
i love singing and acting is quite natural for me...
dispite how i could act infront of people and they dont knw how i actually truely feels inside...
thats acting too ryte? hehe

final choice...

just get married and become a housewife of a billionaire husband...
the problem...
-the husband could be an old man.. =="
-i maybe a second wife or smthing....
-where the hell can i find billionaire??
-i dont even think i could pass when it comes to cooking... but if u say shopping.. then look for me! haha
-i may end up being a slave of the husband knwing that i marry in young age and doesnt hav degree in anything makes me cling on to him more... thats the last thing i want to happen cause the fact that i hav a huge ego makes me feel this way...

these choices are just too hard for me to choose...
cause the thing here is i forever still wanna be a lawyer...
im a lasy bumb who wanna be a lawyer..
yeap..
laugh all u want...
cuz i feel like laughing myself too...

hurh...
tawakal is the only way...
i'll try to work harder...
to make my life better.. insha allah....
:')