kenapa laaaa.....

paling tak masuk akal bila jantung aku berdegup kencang macam lari 1500m di trak waktu aku tengok profil engkau...
paling tak masuk akal bila aku masih rasa suka nak mampus bila aku tengok muka engkau walaupun dari profil engkau..
paling tak masuk akal bila aku masih mengharapkan balasan perasaan dari engkau walaupun aku tahu benda tu memang tak mungkin..
paling tak masuk akal bila aku masih fikirkan engkau walaupun engkau ada jauh kat sana buat apa entah aku pun tak tahu,,
paling tak masuk akal kenapa aku boleh suka dekat engkau...
paling tak masuk akal kenapa engkau masih dalam fikiran ni...
engkau hanyalah crush aku!
full stop!
kenapa engkau masih dalam otak aku nie?
kenapa engkau kerap muncul dalam mimpi aku? siap indah2 punya mimpi lagi tu!
kau boleh tak jangan buat aku macam nie?
kau boleh tak jangan mumcul dalam mimpi aku lagi?
sebab aku rasa kau adalah karma aku..
disebabkan apa yang aku lalui dulu.. ini yang aku sedang terima...
aku tidak kisah kalau ini adalah balasan...
tapi tolong..
jangan lama sangat dalam otak dan hati aku boleh kah?
supaya aku boleh terima orang lain pula...
takkan kau yang aku tak dapat ni nak ambil hati aku pula?
banyak cantik!
bagi balik cepat!

emosi bila aku tengok muka engkau wahai encik LaLa...

a love story to be told..

he has light brown eyes...
with his Sarawakian accent that can never be forgotten...
him with his dark brown skin...
his height was around 170-ish cm... not that tall.. but tall enough...

what was he like you ask?
well...
he love making jokes and all of them are laughable...
he love looking at her eyeliner on her eyes... she wonders why...
he's serious but always has been romantic...
when he's upset...his manly tears will flow without he himself noticed it...
when he's sincere about something, don't ever doubt him... cause he's being damn serious...

and that was him...
the him that she knows...

they met for the 1st time when she worked in a restaurant...
he was the customer...

people compliment her for her beauty...
she's thankful but never been proud... cause she knows beauty can never last forever...
people asked her out and wanted to get to know her..
she'll smile and walked away..
and sometime she simply make friends with them and let them know relationship can never be more than they aspect them to be...
she's being picky....
she doesn't want to take love for granted..
at least not anymore...

he ordered and he looked at her eyes to eyes...
she's being nervous... but acted as normal as possible...
and as she leave the table....
she left her heart there..
that man...
he took it away....

after the 1st time, comes second times, third and countless...
he asked for her number for a few times but she refused...
she couldn't believe her heart..
he was only a desire she thought...

he never stopped asking...
and one day...
she gave him a shot...
for the 1st time... she gave her number....
he didn't called on the same day... but did on the next...
she asked him why so?
he said..
the whole night, he couldn't believe that she gave him her number..
he even thought that she'd lied about giving her real number...
she laughed... the 1st joke that was made by him...

conversation continue...
from job... to activities... to hobbies... to feelings....
he told her he fell for her...
not because of her looks...
he was being honest...
her heart ache but somehow she was happy about it....
no one ever said that..

he then told her the whole story..
about his bestfriend who has a crush on her...
he was showing him what she like..
he saw her but his heart didn't feel a thing...
then somehow...
when he kept playing around teasing her...
his urge of wanting her has increased...
he told her not to rush....
he told her to be honest to her heart...
and finally.. he told her... 'i sincerely like you...'
he doesn't know that phrase was enough to melt this ice cold heart..

she thought about it...
she considered...
and she said yes...
and they had declared their relationship...
it was all great..
they had their argument... but it'll only last for few hours..
they don't talk much about lovey dovey stuff..
they acted like a best friend...

and comes one day...
she has to study somewhere far..
being apart from him...
he wasn't happy about it but he has no choice..
she has her own dream to achieve... he knows..
he was scared of something...
his heart doesn't feel good about it...
he told her not to leave him...
she said she won't...

she lied....

she purposely started an argument..
she purposely made him angry...
she purposely made him say the phrase...
without him noticing her plan..
he said it...

'lets break up..'

she knows he doesn't meant it at all..
but she cruelly use it as an excuse....
she ended it for real...

he begged her...
she refused.... she didn't listen.... she can't...
he talked about his problem to his best friend..
hoping for advise..
he consulted her...
trying to get her back but she said she will never go back...
she didn't give him a chance...
when he asked why...
she didn't give him a solid reason... she just end it...

for days he called her... her sister..
he talked to her elder sister hoping for her to understand..
he talked to the wrong person...
her sister was way heartless... he didn't know...

a year has passed...
she went back to her hometown...
she was hoping to bump into him somewhere...
she didn't...
her feeling told her he moved....
tears falling from her eyes...
hoping it wasn't as she thought it was....
please....
don't moved yet she hoped...
she haven't talked to him yet..
she haven't explain everything yet...
one year is enough for him to cool down..
and for her to explain the truth..

she got the news today...
he already moved back to his hometown.....
all she can do is to stare at the blank...
he doesn't know the whole story yet...

he doesn't know why she wanted to break up so bad...
he need to know now....
the reason is that he deserve someone better..
someone who can love him for who he is...
love him sincere and dearly...
he needs to know that she can't live with someone only based on love...
her lifestyle doesn't allow her to...
he needs to know the age difference is also the reason..
he's too serious and she's still at her early age of growing up...
and he needs to know...
she does love him a lot but it still was not enough....
he needs to know... that he wasn't the only person who cried when they ended everything...
he needs to know he wasn't the only person who got hurt when they ended everything...
she was hurt too...

she got her karma..
and still going through it..
she didn't mind...
she deserve it...

and to him..
she has a message...
she said she's sorry for not loving him enough...
she's sorry for not holding him tightly like she should..
she's sorry for all the tears that has drop from his pretty eyes..
she's sorry for giving him a chance...
she's sorry cause she only can express her feeling by saying sorry....

to him..
live well there...
she hope he didn't move because of her...
she hope he'll find a good Sarawakian to be his wife...
a woman who can love him with all her heart...

to him...
she will never forget him....

one day... this will be passed down....
and hopefully that one lucky day....
he will read this... and understand why she leave him....
he'll understand... and move on....

how i want to meet my soul mate.. (word of the day.. TOO MUCH TIME IN MY HAND..)

i'm currently single..

yes..

i have no boyfriend or sort...

no, i am not a Homo... 

i am not a Bi aswell... *but i never stop appreciating the beauty of all the ladies in this world..

it isn't because i'm too depress of boys that made me decide to be single..

no such things...

i will never stop dating merely because of this useless reason..

it is because i haven't found the right guy yet..

that's all..

because i have TOO MUCH time in my hand..

i have fantasies (emphasize the -es..) of how i should meet my soul mate..

and who my soul mate should be... 

these people includes Lee Min Ho, Jude Law and all the hot star that i couldn't even count with my fingers PLUS my toes...

yes yes.. as i said.. too much time in my hand...

but of all this fantasies...

there's one that i really want it to come true...

who the person is??

well.. amazingly.. i manage to make the person anonymous...

as in... i imagine a guy without a face.. :)

the guy HAVE TO BE TALL... masculine but not too much please... have a hot melting smile... and short neat hair...

this is how the story of our love life should begin...

i was in Europe..

i was chased by a bunch of people... (for what reason i don't know....)

then i had to hide and i when i was looking for a hiding place.. i saw Starbuck...

no no... i didn't stop for a drink.. =="

i look around and try to find a hiding place...

and when i was heading to the women's washroom...

i changed my mind... 'why not the men's washroom?? those idiots won't figure that out!'

so i ran to the men's washroom and found myself a guy...

no no... stop with your wild kinky guess...

he was not 'ehem'-ing...

he was washing his hand from doing it.. ;p

(by the way.. the washroom is a single person washroom... so i guess he didn't lock his door.. ;p)

so i 'shuus' him.. asking him to help me out and tadaaa... he did it without saying much!

so he managed to save me from those idiots who chased me for no reason...

and we had a drink...

==" why is my imagination so weird?? i don't know.. really...

it was my treat.. since he saved my ass.. opss.. i mean arse... haha

then i leave the place without leaving my number or name...

i was hoping he would asked but he didn't... =="

months later...

i'm back in Malaysia

i was interviewing for my first job in a law firm.. kehkehkeh

the president of the firm personally interviewed each one of the interviewee...

no no.... the president was not him....

he was old and rich.. lol

i had a great relationship with the president...

sometimes he made me feel like i should just marry him for being so nice... 

he's single anyway.. the wife died or something... 

one day he asked for my home address..

i gave it to him...

i still live with my parents...

then he came to my house....

met my parents... OMG... no way he gonna ask my parents to let me be his wife right??

then he said... 'i want your daughter....'

dad will say 'ohmo?! you can be my daughter's granddaughter!'

the he said.... 'i haven't finish my word yet.. :) i want your daughter to be my daughter... daughter in law....'

then i will say.....'ohmo ohmo!! i don't even know him?!'

he said.. 'then get to know him... he'll be back from Europe next week... call him before hand... i told him about you... just say yes and everything settled..'

then i say... 'i need to know him first...'

he said 'you will love him.. cause he's just like me.. '

=="

i called him.. and he said he don't want to marry me.. he like someone else... 

then i said lets just meet up 1st...

then we met and he was actually looking for me...

a day before marriage...

i asked him..

'why didn't you asked for my number when we met the last time?'

he rep..

'because i was waiting for you to give me yours...'

i said...

'n i was waiting for you to give me yours aswell... thumbs up for our ego..'

then we got married.. and we live happily ever after...

this is bull.. =="

list of my 'someday'...

i'm now 19 years 3 months and 9 days old...
and i had dream of a lot 'someday' that i myself couldn't recalled..

when i was 4..
my wish was someday, i will go to school and meet new friends..
it turns out that i hated school...
because i was bullied by a fat girl sitting behind me..

when i was 10..
i wish someday time will move faster than they should and i will be older than i was..
it turns out that now all i wish is to be back to the old days having no worries about this tough world we are living in..
my only worry was getting bad result in my Chinese language paper..
oh! and science! I suck at the two subject.. lol

when i was 15..
i said to myself..
'no worry hanis... someday, you will get to sleep the whole week if you want to.. when you finish you SPM'
it turns out that my after SPM was more hectic than i was in school..
i was too busy being a business woman taking care of my new restaurant...

so now...
when i'm 19..
i think i'm mature enough to think of my someday..

so someday... i will be a lawyer...
cause this has been my dream since i was 5...
and because i haven't become anything yet for now...
so i hope this someday will come true...

someday.. i will make my parent's life more comforting than now...
i know they live well now even maybe without my help..
but if i could, i don't want them to feel any burden at all..
all they need is to spend their life doing things they dream of..

someday.. i will meet myself a very handsome and rich guy to be my husband..
someone who's like the prince in every fairly tales..
this is ridiculous i know...
but i really really really wish this ridiculous dream will come true.. hehehe

someday, if my wish of becoming a lawyer comes true,
i wish that i will have my own firm...

someday,my hair will magically be smoother and becomes naturally straight.
what the.....
yeah yeah..
can't a wavy hair girl wish for this kind of stuff??

someday, i wish my face will never ever ever ever have acne scar or anything that relates to make my face ugly..
can that happen? lol
seriously.. if only all this face acne can just poof away....

someday, there will be a drink that can make all the fats in the body to burn in a nick of time...
like just poof!
and there comes a hot body for me... hehehe

someday, me and my siblings will have an annual family event every year bringing our children along having a great time..
maybe go abroad for holiday together or something...
there will be no hatred between us, if ever we were angry at each other, it will only because we love each other too much...

someday, me and my family will be a family that is complete in religion and good ethics...
be among the people who goes to heaven...

someday.... i hope all the things i mention will come true...
and when everything happens..
i will be the happiest person in the world...
but if it doesn't, never mind...
Allah has a better plan for me...
and plus..
some of my someday are impossible... =="

kisah cinta org dulu2...

it was Saturday when i went to my relative's wedding... i'm sure they were my relatives since the brides' father is my moms' relatives..
me following the oldies... i was the driver for my mom since she hates looking for parking.. i don't blame her.. i hate it too... so i followed her.. bringing her and another two of my aunts to the destination we were heading.. its around Kabota... near Megah Jaya...
on my way there... my mom and my aunts recall the time when they were young..
how they walk for a distance of  almost 1 km to their cousin's house celebrating eid together...
swimming at the river nearby and mommy being the champion when it comes to swimming...
everything they shared with me made me feel like i was there too.. with them swimming along.. walking those distance without feeling tired... it made me closer to my mom...
so when we were at the wedding... it turns out the brides' dad was my uncle.. i just remember actually.. hehe
they invited us in... gives us foods but my mom asked me to diet before we went to the wedding so i just ate dessert.. ;p
the place wasn't crowded at all.. i think its because we went there late afternoon...
after a while... our table was before sat by only me, mom and aunts were then packed with my uncle and few other aunts...
it was awkward for me since they spoke the language that i didn't know at all.. ==" i blame mom for that... she only understand Bugis but doesn't really know how to speak them well so its hopeless for her to teach me Bugis.. never mind..
that was when the story started....
my uncle's love story...
it went back to 1977 when he decided to propose to the girl he loved for 15 years..
i found out the 'middle man' between my uncle and the girl was my mom...
the girl was from peninsula Malaysia..
between uncle and her.. their love was so real and so pure...
'dulu2.. pakcik segan mau pegang tangan dia... malu... macam tu baru la cinta sejati... tgk budak2 sekarang... ntah apa2 jak... itu cinta mondok! cinta main2!' he said...
i agreed... the love now was only base on sexual attraction... the real meaning of love that was once pure has now become shady.. ruined...
so when he wanted to propose the girl.. he bought himself a ring for her... made himself a passport and only waited signal from the girl's family..
it was 1977.. so surely there's no phone... he waited for a letter from her..
he wrote to her dad.. saying that he was not rich... he was not perfect... he loved her and he hope that her father will accept him...
his father wrote back.. saying it doesn't matter if you(uncle) don't have money.. all you need is to come here and we'll discuss about everything...
he was too excited.. so he went to the bus station wanting to go to the airport..
he was stopped by his brother-in-law...
brother-in-law told him that he shouldn't go... its not safe to be there.. especially being in a foreign place alone... 'you might get lost there' he said.. 'you might not find your way back here' he continued...
uncle respect his in-law.. so he listen to him..
he was too depress..
he was a bus driver back then... so for a whole week...
he cried... for a distance of 3++ km... he cried the whole journey..
when he was asked who he wanted to marry...
he said:'you choose for me.. as my choice was her and only her.... and if its not her its fine.. but i won't choose anymore.. so you choose for me... a girl that you like... any girl... i won't mind..'
so he got married to the girl he doesn't like..
but their marriage stand strong till now... he have 6 children and he looks happy as he is.. there's scar deep down but he sure hide it well...
the story haven't done though!
few months ago... he went to peninsula... for some occasion i myself not sure of... so he decides to meet her..
the girl he once cried the whole week for..
the girl he couldn't have...
so he asked his wife's permission... when she approved... he then went to the address stated decade ago...
amazingly.. he found her house.... with the help of his son...
she doesn't live that well.. but she may be happy he said...
that's what matter...
she have to be happy.....

and it ends there.....
he went back home....
most importantly..
he's satisfy....

it was a great story.. i'm not sure if u appreciates the love they had... i do.. that's the love i want.. a pure one.. but i want the ending to change.. i want to be with the person till the end... and not half way thro.. hopefully.. Insha Allah...

my misunderstanding..

have you ever thought that you're not loved anymore..
that you've been left out by these particular circle of people..
that you thought you are not needed anymore?
that you feel like running away out of suffocation thinking they the one who cause them...

just when you misunderstood this things..
just when you think about the worst of everything...
they are there worrying about you...
thinking of your well being...
questioning themselves are you fine being on your own in this mean world without them by your side..
praying for the safety of your life regardless if it may risk theirs..

sincerely...
i thought i was 'you'..
i thought i am not needed and i am left out alone..
this is my thin minded teenage thought..
my stupidity that leads me to all the misunderstanding..
typical me who think that i'm too protected by them..
me who think that they don't believe i can't survive well in this world..
me who think they who live their whole life with me don't understand a bit about me..

how can i not see all their sacrifices..
how can i think the worst of these people when all they did was great deeds..
God...
forgive me of being this naive...
i didn't know.. i really didn't know..

i failed them many times..
they get angry...
yet.. they never give up on me..
i thought all they did was pushed me to above my limitation..
who knew that they actually know my ability is much higher than i am now..
they knew all along...
i'm the one who underestimate myself..
not them...

i didn't dare to call him..
i was too afraid..
what will he say??
surely i know i disappointed him again this time...
i know i may not be qualify of his apology..

when he called me..
he asked for my well-being..
he asked me and worry about me...
gives me advice and reminds me of who i am and how i should be...
saying it with his loving tone..
not angry at all..
all i heard was the voice who sounds so worry of his child..
i'm thankful...
of having a father that no one else could have..

i'm really thankful to have this family..
family who cares so much about each other..
family who pushed each other to do what others may think is absurd...
family who believes in each other and depends on each other..
family who in the end.. i know will always sticks together..

i'm sorry for all iv'e done..
this naive me know nothing other than to worry all of you..
this troublesome me always upset everyone of you..
please know all good that i have become is due to all of you guys and God..
and also know the bad that is in me is all from what i have learnt myself..
it's my own fault..
you people creates the best out of me...
thank you my family..
for all the worry and care..
also the scolding and advice...

my dream holiday destinations....

i was inside the car on my way home from KL to Shah Alam...

since i couldn't really study while i'm inside the car..(i'll get dizzy)

i did my most serious addiction in the world..

DAYDREAMING! 

this habit has been with me for the past forever and i think it'll stick with me till forever...

i tried real hard to avoid this attitude but i'm helpless... *looking on the floor with no hope*

back to what was on my head..

i was imagining myself being filthy rich being all that and all... LOL

i know this dream is too common but just deal with it..

then i was thinking about how would i spend all my money with..

minutes later!

my brilliant head suddenly pop out about the thought of going for a super duper long holiday for myself..

there are just so many places i want to go which i don't think i'll finish my whole life going to all of them!

1st place came in mind...

Sipadan Island!!

what am i saying? of all the place in the world??

well yeah... of all the place.. of course i'm supporting the wonder world of our own country! :)

Sipadan Island is an island full with under world beauty..

if i'm not wrong... it was last year official nominee for one of the 7 most beautiful and unique wonder world..

although we may not win.. but it shows how beautiful this island is..

2nd place in mind..

Maldives!

i was first attracted with Maldives because it's my favorite actor's holiday place to go...

then, i got influence by both of these people... watched WGM.. 

then i google this place myself and this is what i found..

what a beautiful scenery right?

a wonderful place for honeymoon..

or maybe for heart-broken soul... 

this place makes everything seem just so wonderful...

3rd place would bring us to...

Itali! 

the place is not specific...

it can be Rome...

it can also be Milan...

yes.. Rome can be a place full of religious Christian... but it doesn't mean i cant come here right? :)

gorgeous.. isn't it?

what a sight to see....

Rome may be the center of Christian Religion..

also may be the place where the Holy Father Pope came from...

BUT!

the history within this country made every other thing seems nothing... 

as long as your intention to come here for sight seeing and uncover the history.. then it'll be fine.. :)

not to forget Milan.. this is a language school i think...

don't this just wow you? :)

either Milan... or Rome....

it's a place where i can find history... hot Italian... and finest buildings...

what else do we need?? right?

4th place in mind....

that will be Seoul Korea!

thank to the convincing Korean dramas that i watched...

this is the place where all the korean hot guys and girls came from!

nice right??

and when you go to Korea...

of course you have to go to the most popular island right?

it's none other than Jeju Island!

the waterfall seem so inviting~ 

and this is the Mount Halla... although KK's Mount Kinabalu is not less attractive... but it seems like going here may be a little more rewarding.. since's its a foreign country afterall..

5th place in mind~

this will be Taiwan <3

nowadays... my attraction has changed a little towards taiwan drama..

and it's more comforting since i can understand Mandarin...

this will be the main city of Taiwan.. Taipei... 

if i'm not wrong.. this is the Chung Tai Chan Monastery... what a beauty..

i'm pretty tired with all the typing and all the google-ing for pictures.. 

this is some of my dream places to be...

it's not everything yet!

there's also New York City a.k.a the Big Apple also the City that's never sleep!

there's United Kingdom where i wanted to study.. 

people...

this may be the place i dream of going...

but there's a place i don't just dream, but i WANT AND NEED to go for sure no matter what!

this place is nothing compare to the places i dream of going...

i could just die out of happiness if i could just come to this place..

where else if it's not the Holy City of Mecca and Madinah...

Subhanallah....

Insha Allah.. i will come here... God willing.. :)

wait! don't get speechless yet!!

i haven't show you the city of Madinah!

don't this just look amazing...

this is the Nabawi Mosque...

i will come here someday...

Mecca has been the center of the place for all Muslim..

the Kaabah has been the Kiblat to show Muslim which direction they should bow to when they pray..

it was constructed by Nabi Ibrahim and His Son, Nabi Ismail...

sorry for all the non-Muslim...

this place is strictly for Muslim only...

this Holy place is for us to complete our 5th Pillar of Islam...

that is ~> a pilgrimage to Mecca which is for our Hajj...

this is also a place full of Islamic History...

and with God's willing.. i WILL come here someday...

Amin..... (ramai2 kamu cakap amin supaya termakbul doa kue!))

dugaan bah nie kan Ya Allah? kan??

first of all..

thank you best friends...

i'm touched by each one of you..

for caring so much about me..

for sparing me some of your attention and care...

thank you for being there for me when i thought i have no one..

thank you for saying things that comfort me..

thank you for giving advise though you quite know that some of them doesn't really help.. :)

but still.. thank you...

this may sound ridiculous, but i'm going back to my path..

i think i'm not lost anymore... i'm talking about my religion.. 

it may be ridiculous because of how i was before and how i end up now..

i want to be closer to God...

BUT..

this doesn't mean i'm going to do a drastic changes..

i may not be wearing hijjab yet..

i may not be wearing outfits that covers all of my skin yet...

i may not stop cursing yet..

i may not be a fully obedient child yet...

it takes small steps for me to move forward but small steps is enough rather than no steps at all..

small steps is enough as long as this small steps brings me straight to Allah's path..

since i'm trying to be a good Muslimah..

i think God starts to give me His attention again...

He gives me obstacle again...

He starts making me stronger than i was again..

He starts making me think again...

Alhamdulillah Ya Allah..

i can't cry through this pain i am going through now..

i can't be weak..

i know that is what God want me to do..

to be strong and to face them with no fear...

why am i upset lately..?

just that if... and only if...

i couldn't be what i wanted to be... my ambition...

then it has already been a fate from God..

other than God Himself, no one else can stop me from becoming what i want to be...

i'm facing my obstacle right now...

about my ambition...
it's so upsetting that i can't even focus on my study...
it's so upsetting that i don't know what to think right now..
i can't lie that i didn't cry...

i did.. 

but this doesn't mean i'm giving up.. not at all!

but then..
if i am ought to change my ambition,

i have second choice in mind..

another hard ambition...

but i don't think i can find other thing that suit me well other than the two ambition i have..

Allah have His own way to show me His love for His humble slave...

i am now accepting the love and will return it with honor..

i will try to do good and i will try to be better..

i'm making no sense again right? if so.. ignore me.. and move on to your next blog.. ;p

i seem like a useless person once again...

when you supposed to get support from them..
all they did was looking down at you..

when you hope for them to be there the most..
all they did was backstab you..

please know...
i am not all useless..
i do have feelings..
i do know what people say behind my back...
i know a lot more than you think...

just this once..
don't make me look like a fool..
don't play with my feelings as if i don't have any...

please... as the most important people in my life..
don't do this to me...

i feel like i'm a fool that don't have any shelter anymore..
i don't feel myself being protected anymore...
where are these people that were there for me...
i guess he was right...
i'm on my own now...
thank you for letting me know..

my scary dream...

it was 3 in the morning... i just remembered i haven't did my Isyak prayer yet.. it a bit late for it but then, better late than never right?

a relief after i did my job as a Muslim..
i directly went to bed right after knowing that its already late..

my dream was suppost to be a trip..
i'm sure it was since i was inside a car with some other people which i don't really know who..
we were heading to KK i guess as along the way, there was a lot of hills around..

while the driver drive the car, one of the hills (or maybe mountain since its really2 tall..) suddenly falls into little parts...
that was the hill on the left side...
when i look at my right side.. another hill was separating into small parts as well..
we were too panic that the driver drove as fast as he could just to avoid the huge rock that's slowly falling and by any second, one of them might even hits our car..
adrenaline was rushing like crazy...

another second later, we fell from the hill which was actually mountain...
but that wasn't the end yet..
when we fell, the feel was extremely scary cause whats waiting for us below was way more scarier than the falling rocks..
there was tornado swirling and the size of it was just huge!

i thought... 'oh God.. i guess this is where my life ends huh..'
the fact that we were falling and the tornado was just right below us... =="

i don't know how..
we arrived in this island..
atmosphere changed...
the surrounding was great....
it turns out that i thought i was dreaming...
in my dream.. i dream that i had a nightmare..

i guess that not the end...
something happened again...
the island.. something wrong with the island...
there was white clouds everywhere and it kills people..
the only way to get out from there was to swim to the other side of the island..
which was not as close as you think...

ridiculous right?
storms occurs right after...
me and another guy(i really don't know who this guy is.. apparently he may be to one who drives the car... and there's a girl beside him since i sat at the back... so i really don't know who they are...) swim through the ocean and the dream stopped there...
i woke up not knowing whether i survived or not..

the scene was just too scary...
till now i couldn't really forget how the tornado was and how cloudy and reddish the clouds and tornado was...

this reminds me of the end of the world..
what i saw may not even close to how the actually scene will be...
i may be worse..

how i will end my life?
as a true Muslim or as a khafir?
God knows everything that i don't...
i hope it'll end well for me..
Insha Allah...

a crush again? no way right? hahaha pedophile me..

i know its funny...

and i might sound like a pedophile.. (like what Iman said about me.. lol)

but i somehow for once fell hard for this Malay guy that i found few months ago and he's younger than me..

its not that i don't have any interest at any other Malay guy, but other than this Chinese guy that i really3 like since my 1st semester in Taylor's college, all other guy was just a blur to me..

all of them are more for me to watch than to try to flirt to..

After finding out that the guy i had a hard crush on has already have a girlfriend, i tend to move on and just forget about this crush of mine..

Few months back, it was the new intake session where new students enters our college...

back them of course my feelings was still unchanged for the one person that i cared about.. :)

although he's not my boyfriend but yeah... things like this happens sometime.. we can't aspect anything from it..

it was when i went up the stairs from cafe to my class that i started noticing him.. 

he whom i just found out with the name of N.Hamdi... :) very interesting...

by then he was just a guy who i think have an interesting look... full stop.. and that's that. nothing more..

but after awhile, because of the uninterested-of-having-any-relationship-with-anyone face that he always make when some girls look at him... it makes me feel that he's more appealing that way...

because of the way he most of the time only walk with his group of guy friends makes me feel like i want to have him... hahaha LAME...

a while has passed..

and i start noticing him again... teehee...

but since its the end of my college year... i'll just let him go and move on.. haha 

i'm not hoping to have him anyway...

the fact that the Chinese-already-have-a-girlfriend guy is still kinda stuck in my head for a while...

i don't think its right to like someone else while dating another.. (though i kinda use to always do that...)

so now for my last semester of A-Level.. lets just struggle my ass off and be happy with what i already have... my beloved bestfriends in Taylors.. dont knw when can i meet them again after this.. haish.... 

:)

My Understanding of Friends.. Plus.. Some old memories to be share.

I can officially say that i have been through friendship life for 17 years since i was 2? 3? 4? Well, since i kind of forgot how friendship was back when i was 2 and 3, i'll start when i was 4 years old then. :)

Remember those days? When you finally get to go to school and you're so excited about it that you can't stop talking about it? Can't wait meeting new friends and study in class and play with friends and go around with friends and study with friends again (LOL). In my situation, back then, i only love recess and i hate classes. BUT! i was a very hard working young girl. WAS. Back in kindergarden, i always get bullied by a fat girl sitting beside me. Always pinched me when she gets the chance to do so. Then there's this boy who loves to steal toys that my dad bought for me so i hate him so much that i called my dad to school just to scold him. Teehee.

(memories..)
I remember the moment when i wake up in the morning, dad will be the one who's responsible on bathing me while mom will make the breakfast. What he'll do was that he put a basin of water and put A TONES of soap in there so that i'll be interested to have my bath and play with bubbles. Imagine my dad do that every day just so that i'm comfortable. :'(

So every morning, mom will make me two super yummy milk (in baby bottle), one is when i'm at home as my breakfast, and another one is for me to drink in car. I'll always lay my head on my dad's thigh while drinking my milk and he'll be driving me to school. And when we arrived, i'll be crying and refusing to go because of the bully in my class. I didn't like friends much back then.

Then there's my neighbour, annoying little bitch. I can officially say that all of my siblings and cousins hate her. How could she called my dad, daddy aswell?? unforgivable! Best part was when we were playing in this huge drain near our house, catching little frogs, she was standing near the drain so my cousin and me kind of pushed her into the drain and we ran like crazy! The satisfaction was just amazing. hahaha

So this was why i hated being friend with anyone when i was younger. The only friends that i want to be with was my siblings and my cousins. Even though i'm friend with my cousins, we have our moments when we argue for no reasons just cause we hate looking at each other's face. 


when i was 6, dad got his promotion so we moved from Kota Kinabalu to Tawau.


Back then, i remembered my arguement with my cousins because of some unknown reasons. We end up hitting each other so hard. If i'm not mistaken, it was 2 vs 1. My cousins vs me. (I lived with my aunt back then cause my house wasn't fully renovated yet) I think what makes us really close was when i had my high fever. I was too sick for school and i remember myself walking like a drunk person. Dad bought me my favourite rice cracker. I gave my cousins some of them and we got close right after that. :) That was when i start knowing that there's also different kinds of friends.

In school, although i was 6, my dad sent me to primary one just because i studied in early age, but because of my still too immature attitude, i always eat in class and annoy the teacher, after few months, i went back to kindergarden. Lol. Then i met more new friends. One of my friends that i always hung out with love to steal things from me. Though i know about it, i still wants to be friend with her just because i thought thats just her attitude. hehehe

Therefore, i found out that this is when i could accept friends though they just wanted to take advantage out of me. I found out that all i need was new stuffs or foods to have new friends.


So up from 7 to 12, my primary school moments, i found that i can 'Clique' with male friends rather than girl friends. i remember having only two close girl friends back then. But for guys, there were a lot of them to start with. Played around mostly with guys almost everyday was more fun than having stupid girl talk in class.

I remembered when every time i argued with my girl friends, even if it was my mistake, they'll be the one who apologize to me. It all end up that there was reasons for their behaviour. i know right? kecil2 dah pandai bodek.

There was this incident when one of my guy friend was joking around with me with inappropriate act, so i told Ustaz about it and BOTH of us end up getting scold by him. hahaha

Ustaz said: "Hanis, jangan la selalu sangat main dengan kawan laki, tak bagus tue..."

But since i was too comfortable with guys, i still end up hanging around with the same group of guys.

This was when i decide to make more guy friends than girl friends. Its not like girls understand me. Plus its more fun playing with guys than girls.


Then there was high school. This was when all the fun starts.

I was a very snobbish girl. Since i was in 1A, i feel inferior for a second. The only person i started being friend with was Phoebe Pang. Yeap, my first friend who sat beside me whom i also found out that she studied in Sk ST Patrick which means she don't write Chinese well. I remembered how great it was when we would write letters to each other even though she sat only beside me.

When i looked at every other students which was not from my class, i'll be glaring than looking at them with a smile. When i applied for Prefect, i was responsible for taking care 1C class. That was when i met Miss Syarifah Maimunah, Miss Nurul Zanariah, and Miss Nurul Fathnie. Still, i was snobbish as ever. And to make it more fun, they hated me too. They hate me a lot. People like Valenny, Dayang, Iman also started hating me before we starts being friends.

the 1st person i got close to was Fathnie. All thanks to Persatuan Sej dan Geo.  Then there's Iman. All thanks to Prefect. There was Valenny who started hating me cause she thought i steal her boyfriend which was actually my best friend back then and when she broke up with him, then he became my boyfriend. Teehee Me and Vel and Dayang end up being good friends. Before i got close to Fathnie by the way. Then Dayang moved to Kota Kinabalu which leaves me, Fathnie and Vel.

Before knowing all the other girls other than Phoebe, i got to know guy friends from form 2. We end up being so close because they knew my elder brother. :) There were 5 of them if i'm not mistaken and all of them were B-Boy. breakdancers. So i always spend my break either with Phoebe or my guy friends. That was when Vel started thinking that i steal her boyfriend cause one of the guy was her boyfriend, Fletcher.

In form 2, we have our annual sports day where everyone will take part in doing sports and such. That was when i got close to Chie(syarifah) and Zana(Nurul). It was partly because of Fathnie whom was Chie's classmate and Zana was Chie's long term best friend since they were in primary and another part of the reason was because we have our marching event for each one of our 'rumah sukan' = team.

Since then, i never parted with them, ever. We go everywhere almost everyday, talked almost everything, text almost every time. Don't ever think that there was no conflict between us. We argued sometimes. There was once about something that involved one of the friend members. But it then settled after we had our meeting. How glad. But i end up not being close to that friend anymore just because i don't believe her anymore.(now we're friend once again.. :) )

I learnt that i can end friendship and friends has become more meaningful to me. I enjoyed every moment that we had and never regret  once of all the things that had happened to us. 


In form 3, i get to know Her. She was such an innocent little thing. Really sincere of being friend with Her that without knowing what happened, i end up hanging with Her most of my time rather than hanging out with my own bestfriends. I even have my recess time with Her instead of the others. We get along pretty well that little by little, we get to know each secrets. I'll be worrying about Her while She did the same to me. She finally gets to know some other friends and some how after a while, i found out She has conflict with my friend's sister. Then i found out my bestfriends was so worried about me. There was even time when Chie wrote something on Friendster that touched me and has showed me how she cared si much about me.

My bestfriends have becomed my everything. They are the one i want to be with no matter what and they will always be the one i held on to till the end. 


Time passes... Skipped form 4..(too lazy to write now.. ;p)
But in short, thanks to tuition, I got to know MJ. They are my guyfriends whom i still held on to till the very end as well. my precious guy friends who always brings me to the dark side and pull be back to the bright side when they feel like it.

When i was in form 5. I went through a lot of drama from school, tuition and even home. I went through a very tough time that eventually made me feel thankful of what i had gone through. There was a moment when i had problem with guy that causes caotic incident. The girl i got to know back in form 3 was the same tuition with him. Something that She said has causes me so much pain. That was when i felt so betrayed and i feel more hurtful when i found out that she only came clean to when after she found out that i know about her telling him what meant to be our secret.

Anger control most of me, so i made a stupid act out of it. Her secrets leak just like that. The betrayed that i felt was too hurtful that i made something worse.

There was a side of me that i found out so unforgivefully mean. I shouldn't had done what i have done. It haunt me till this day. It seems that i cant take betrayal that calmly and i cant accept the fact that if i gave all my trust to that someone, they ended up breaking my heart and my trust just like that without thinking twice of what friendship means.


memories...
It was SPM. We were having our 4 hour break before our next Islamic Paper. MJ and Eunnicials end up going to town having the time of our life eating and hanging around in mall eating as if it was already holidays. we ate takoyaki, drank hot chocolate, ate chicken butter rice, and finally went back to college one hour before our paper. There was even picture of us walking to school. It was kind of crazy but because of this crazy things that we done, it made us closer and it gives me memories i can never erase.

Here, i already concluded that for girls, it was better to be friend with someone i already know for years rather than someone i get to know not longer cause they end up being a disappointment in the end. While for guys, it doesn't matter how long it took for you to get to know them, for me, once you know them, and appreciates them as a true friend, they goint to treat you the same aswell. 

bye highschool and hi college!

Just when i thought drama end when i step foot out from my high school.

I met this girl whom at 1st hate me. (As if i'm not use to it..) She thought i wanted to steal her ideal man. But because of this one event we had, it has made us closer. The next thing you know, we became best friend for life. LOL. Plus, her bestfriend was my classmate and i somehow treat miss classmate as my close friend already. It was because of the time when i cried and she was the one who comfort me. :)
I remembered.

After a while knowing and getting to know her, i find that there's bad side of her. Well, everyone have there own bad sides right, i have mine too, so i decide to just accept her flaws cause nothing can stop us being friends. THATS WHAT I THOUGHT.

I find that i become closer and closer to Maia. The next thing you know, i end up spending most of my time with her rather than my 1st bestfriend. So slowly, little by little, there become a gap between me and 1st bff. She noticed the distance and after a while she became friend with my schoolmate. I didn't mind it at all, until one day my schoolmate glare at me and it seems like she doesn't even want to look at me at all. Something wrong somewhere. I never had problems with her, what the heck happening here.

So truth came out that she talks nonsense about me. Interesting ex bff. :) I became closer to my schoolmate, plus the twins, plus mr Indian and his wife, shawty Maia, miss smarty ass, mr smarty ass and lately, i have become closer to miss Kota Kinabalu. There's just things t\about ms KK that i admire about. Stay awesome Miss KK. There's also miss cheerleaders, i had fun hanging out dancing with you girls. Mr hunks dodgers, all so hot and spicy. For teaching me dodgeball skills which i still fail till the very end, thank you. :)

Though i know no one will actually finish reading this, still i have my dedication to my beloved bestfriends around the globe(just Malaysia actually and some part of the world..)


For being honest to me, always cheer me up, always tells me my flaws and yet accepting them, for being patient dealing with my annoying attitude, not forgetting to those who backstabbed me which eventually made me stronger, for saying all the nonsense about me which made me think twice before doing anything, and for bestfriends whom still stands next to me to the very end,


thank you so much. If i could, i would bring you guys to everywhere i go but i know everyone has their own path to go to, be healthy anywhere you are, don't miss me too much, think of me when you have time, have some lunch with me when you're free, catch up with me through phones every time you get the chance and lastly, make sure to treasure our friendship as how it is.


While for my opinion on friendship, 
It's worth understanding what friends is all about. It may hurt most of the times when they tease you, when some backstabbed you, when another crushed you. These kinds of feelings are like relationship between boyfriend and girlfriend, you need to understand to control them well. And when you finally manage everything, you'll know who is your friend and foe are. 




ADAKAH ORANG MO BACA POST KUE NIE? ==" PANJANG BEBENO LA PULOK.

random..

has been quite a while since i update my blog. Don't miss me too much. teehee

i have been thinking for quite a while now. what to write in my blog so that i'll attract you readers out there. i end up with none. zero idea. so now i end up writing everything so randomly hoping that the idea will come out as i'm typing them out.

2 days ago. i found out that the guy i like already have a girlfriend. i was quite surprise, upset, angry and a little disbelieve. how can he have a girlfriend when i seldom see him with any girls. but then, his looks makes me think twice about it.

'of course he have a girlfriend.. how can a guy like him not have one. that'll be weirder..'

so it took me few hours to put myself back to reality and face the fact. the minute after,  i have made my decision to just go with the flow. i am not going to find myself a boyfriend through internet, i am not going to crawl to any guy and ask them in desperate way for them to be my boyfriend, and i am surely will not be upset of being a single lady.

if you all noticed, i'm typing with a full sentences and words. it's going to be my habit from now on. i might use informal word when i feel like it. :)




exam will be coming soon.
A2.

have i mentioned what subject and which course i'm currently taking?

that will be A level in Law course. I'm taking three subjects which are Sociology, Mathematics, and Law of course.

of this three subjects, i'm currently worried about all of them. i seem to have no faith in myself nowadays. i feel so low and unmotivated. (hope my mom wont read this, i dont want her to worry bout me. the fact that she likes to stalk me cant be help. lol) i dont even have faith in my favourite subject. it seems that every time i try to focus on one subject, i get distracted to another cause i feel like i could not manage everything on time. i'm scared that i'll be a disappointment for my family.

i come to a decision to just give my best shot and find ways to overcome this unnecessary thoughts and just tawakal to God.

this brings me to another subject, my religion and my prayers.

i come to think that all my lacking are because of myself for not being active in doing my job as a muslimah. God knows what i'd done and i am ashamed of myself. lacked of prayers is one of them. my brother gave me a lot of motivation so that i become not only a better person as an individual but also a better slave in God's eyes. i will try my best in this too. i don't want to be a step backward anymore. :)

this probably the most boring blog u ever read in your entire life, but if u manage to read it to the end, i'm most grateful. thank you for reading my whine.

July cant be any better!

cant believe that without asking, July treated me really well...

lets talk bout 1st of July shall we?

for those who's just too lazy to check the calender when is the 1st of July...

then i'll let u knw!

Its Friday.. Friday.... kickin' up on Friday! lol....

anyway....

its the 1st week of class....

and i already skip a lot of classes... =="

what a way to begin my very last sem...

mana azam hanis tue??? mana??????? 

ok.... emosi di situ....

annnnyway.....

i was later for class that day....

skipped the 1st class...

and i have 2 hours break...

then i have another 2 class...

was great!!

seriously... studying was AWESOME!! XDDD

*cant u feel the sarcasm? lol

wore a purple dress that day...

of all the days ryte?

n i choose friday.... FRIDAY PRAYER day.... to wear those kind of outfit!

tahniah lah hanis! ambek mue tawau!

soooooo...

wnt for my math class and i got a compliment from few of my frnds..

they asked me why am i wearing so fromal today...

without second thoughts... i simply say...

'cause i have a blind date today! WAHAHAHAHHAHHAA'

yeah.. that laughter has cause me humiliation...

surprisingly...

my mouth was salty! ==" (masin mulut ku)

i did went on a date that day...

a date with the guy i'v nver met before and finally gonna meet!

he just arrived kl a day before and the next day...

he went to sunway pyramid!

I KNW RIGHT?????? WHAT A COINCIDENCE!

actually.. it wasnt really a coincidence.. kehkehkeh...

i told him the only place i cud go was SP... so take it or leave it! haha

went back to Shah Alam to meet my sis...

and then drve back to subang....

when i knw that i finally gonna really actually meet him....

i was FUCKING FREAKING OUT! 

seriously i was clueless... i didnt knw what to do..!

so the only person came to my thoughts was... HUMAIRA YAKOB!

hahaha

i called her...

and randomly asked her out....

and randomly went to her house and barged into her room as if that room was mine!

cause i wanna pee so badly time tue... 

lol...

after i finished my ehem... *blush

i sat on the chair feeling so blank... empty...

IM STILL FREAKING OUT HERE!! 

too my make up bag and start adding on make up... 

and i kept asking maia...

'maia.. i think im ugly.. '

'maia!! why am i so ugly!!'

'maia! what shud i do!! i dont feel pretty!'

'maia! is this how i smile??'

'maia! should i smile this way instead??'

that when on for half an hour.. =="

it gets to maia's boiling point that finally make her say something that shut me up at once...

'hanis... u better shut ur mouth or else imma slap u! u look fine!!!! come on la....'

=="

she's creepy....

hahaha

but i FUCKING LOVE HER FUCKING MUCH LIKE FUCKING REALLY!

so after a while...

we were done...

that guy in the other hand was being as helpful as he is by making me more panic!

all he did was kept calling me every time he cud asking me where i am and making me more nervous which cause me to sweat none stop(not really la... tambah2 jak nie..) that make my heart beat like dupdapdupdapdupdap rather than dup darap dap dup dap.. durup darap dap dup dap... 

well... u get the rhythm ryte? hehe

went to SP..

pray to god that i'll be fine.. 

hand was freaking cold but my head was sweating as hell...

he called again...

and finally...

after playing hide and seek...

seeing who's gonna win...

he won... he found me....

he was actually on the phone with me...

walking further behind....

following and wants to surprise me BUT! 

maia spotted him and he's intention failed...

:) 

so yeah.. 

we met...

the 1st thing that came to my mouth when i saw him was..

me telling maia..' i love his eyes... their shiny...'

lol...

we walked to starbucks..

drank hot choc...

chit chat....

well..

more like me talking to a wall...

haahaa

he was sooooo silent...

he didnt talk much like he always does..

he just sits beside me...

looking at me...

and smile..

laugh when its funny...

and kept pulling down my skirts cause of the length.. kehkehkeh...

i like the way he laugh...

his smile....

and i love the way he looked at me...

the time when he put his head on my shoulder...

everything seems too good to be true...
am i in love?
lol

we left that place...
not knwing when will be the time that we'll ever meet again...
we hugged and left...

i love this guy...
but his feelings towards me is unclear...
im always left in the blank when it comes to him...

ini buat ayah kue.. saya sngt sayang pada anda..

i cherish every moment when im with him...

i remmber every kiss that he gave to me...

i remmber how he took care of me...

i remmber how he scolded me everytime i got bad grades for my exam...

i remmber how he wud give me RM10 for every A's that i get when im still in primary school..

i remmber how he'd buy me KOKO KRUNCH every morning when i go to school...

i remmber how i slept on his lap while he's driving sending me to kindergarden... thats when i was 4...

i remmber how he carried me when i fell asleep in car.. :'(

and i will nver ever forgot the time when he got stabbed and fall very2 ill and layed on the bed of the hospital... few days i stayed outside of the ICU door looking at him cause every time when i gets to see him while sneaking in when he's asleep.. tears will fall automatically....

I NEED THIS MAN IN MY LIFE...

I NEED THIS MAN TO SEE ME SUCCEED...

AND I NEED THIS MAN TO BE THERE AND BE THE 'WALI' WHEN I GET MARRIED WITH SOME1....

i knw i dissapoint him alot but he never gets his hopes down for me...

he went thro hardship but act as if nothing happen when he's infront of me...
he wud gives what i want rather than buying things for himself...
thats my daddy...

this man here was married to my mom 26 years ago..
from what i heard from mom's colleague...
he and my mom were deeply in love and he wud wait for my mom from work early 3 pm when my mom actually will only finish at 5..(seriously... not simply a story...)
till now he's still as loving as how he always will be....

when he ask me to wake up...
he'll knocked my door and sing me song while dancing...
waking up by him was always joyful...

whenever were on the phone people wud think the next line is my boyfriend cause that how i talked with him... cause to me he is my lifetime boyfriend... the guy that will nver dissapoint me and will always be there for me.. cherish me and take care of me...

i love this man too much that i wud cry even when i dream of smthing bad happend to him...
i love this man that im not scared to face anything else just for him to be save and sound..
i love this man that i wud die just for him to live..
i love this man that even my ex says the kind of guy that i want to be with is exactly like my dad.. =="
i just love him soooo much!

my dad hav this awesome attitude where when he gets mad... it wont be long..
well... i inherited that awesomeness.. hahahha

my dad has this bad habit that he's a very hot tempered guy...
well.. fiffy inherited that.. hahahhaa

my dad hav this weird attitude that he loves to keep his stuff...
obviously zila got that from him..=="

my dad has his round face...
abglong got that from him...(but attitude banglong sebijik mummy!)

my dad not that tall...
so boy got that from him.. kikikiki

and finally... my dad dulu sngt kurus and susah nak gemuk....
T.T abg adik kurus kering..... thats where he got it from then.. hahaha

i guess every1 of us is a complete set of him...
every little piece of attitude.. physicallities... actions... were little more or less from him...
not that we dont inherit my moms attitude... hahaha

anyhow...
my dad looks fierce... but he is very emotional... secretly...
he's not afraid to show he's feeling and thats y we gets all the love from him....

i remmber dad was councilling me...
of what kind of man i shud be with...
the thing i remmber most is.. 'daddy nak hanis cari org yg bley bwt hanis gembira.. senang... xpayah la awak nak ikut pilihan mummy awak tue.... ntah daddy pun xsuke die.. cari org yg tidak bwat awak susah..... daddy didik awak dri kecil xpernah bg awak susah... daddy xnak anak daddy lalui smua tue...' :')

eyk3! bukan tue jak dia ckp!!
dia pun ckp....
"hanis.. kalau muka cantik..... ada pelajaran.... perangai bagus..... kita kena completekan dgan ibadah yg smpurna.... hanis dah ada set tue... yg kurang tue hanis tau la sndri yg mana kan? hanis pandai2 jaga dri... jaga maruah.... buat kena fikir.... jgn trus semberono jak.. faham?"

kalau nak bli barang...
kekadang kalau mahal..
mummy : eyh! bwtpa awak nak bli barang tue??
me : hurm.......... dadddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.....
daddy : apa sayang? nak tue? ambil la.. pg simpan kaunter....
me : :))))))))))))))

kekadang tue.... kalau jalan d shopping mall... pluk2 daddy.... jalan pimpin tangan..... cium2 daddy.... siap cium kepala daddy tue... pipi... smua la! hehee
biar org mau ckp apa.... gedik? prmpuan simpanan...?
wa apa kisah... itu bapak wa... lu diam2 sana la bai!
hehe

sometimes...
bila kena tgur...
trus hanis paling muka...
trus hanis lawan ckp..
trus hanis lupa budi...
trus hanis kurang ajar....

daddy.... ini jiwa org muda....
jiwa yang suka berontak...
jiwa yg suka ikut perasaan dri ikut otak...
but daddy knows me ryte?
daddy knws i really love daddy ryte?
daddy knows hanis wud do so many things for daddy ryte?

hanis mc dlm duniawi mana hanis lbh ska enjoy dri blajar...
tapi makin dewasa...
i'll be wiser... i promise...

daddy...
thx for all ur sacrifies...
ur loyalty for our family...
ur faith in each one of us...
ur endless love for us....
for the feeling of warmth and secure everytime when im with u..
ur hugs and kisses that shows us ur love...

Mr Hj Ramli B. Ali Mat...
smoga daddy sentiasa pnjang umur...
dimurahkan rezeki....
berjaya dalam kejayaan...
ditempatkan syurga.....

to me... i dont need an angel cause i already hav u..

thx daddy...
sayang daddy...
sayang daddy sangat2....

clear things out~

i thought i already did this but i guess i just hav to do it all over again...

i may talk alot bout my dear wan muhd hafiz..

:)

but the fact is we are not a couple....
NOT A COUPLE...
we are NOT A LOVERS... NOT A SCANDAL... NOT HAVING ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WHICH LEADS TO THAT SAME EXACT CONCLUSION...

it just happen that we've been tthro a lot that makes me feel what i felt and say what i said in my blog...

so here i am...
single...

 dont have any boyfriend(s)...
at all....
:)

there u go...

spare me some thoughts... is it my fault? her fault? or his fault...?

it has been quite a while since i'vnt been in contact with mr wan muhd hafiz...
to be exact... it has been.... 2o smthing days... almost a month la...

the fact that this happens before make me more calm and relax this time..
if he's gone.. then he's gone...

but thats not the matter now...
i dont mind if he's gone...
but what if he re-appear??
what should i do by then??

he has been gone for too long now and suddenly TADAAA! he's there again!
what am i gonna do?

in my thoughts...
i was thinking really2 hard for the exact thing i shud do..
shud i ignore him...
shud i just talk to him and act like nothing happen..
shud i silently put revenge towards him...
lol...

it was like the hardest exam question that i hav to take in my whole life..
objective question...
haha

suddenly out of the blue...
he reappear... (just like how i imagine..)

1st thing he done was he popchat with my bestie... maia...
then with my sister..
from what they said...
he was letting out he's feelings to them...

maia as i already aspected.. scolded him as if its nobody's business.. typical maia...
cudden stop her... i knw she did that cause she cares about me... i love u maia.. :')
i dont knw what he says to my sister and what my sister reply but what happn was the next thing i knw...
zila ask me to look at her status...
ok...
it was about him la..
he asked my sister for my new number with the reason that he lost mine...
so sad.... cuz i remmbered sending few text to him using the new number...
obviously i hav been deleted.. just like the msges that he deleted...

after a while....
i opend my facebook...
there u go..
a poke from him....
and a msg from him....


ignored the msg... cause i thought that was the best...
and after a while..
he called...
i kinda didnt noticed.. kinda.. ;p
but then i feel bad.. LIKE I ALWAYS DO... WHEN ITS NOT MY FAULT FROM THE 1ST PLACE..
i texted him..
we texted each other and it ends there..
with me being still so relax about it..
somehow i dont get myself...
y am i so relax about it when he already did so much to me...
CUDDEN BELIEVE I HAV THAT MUCH OF PATIENCE IN ME.. LOL

he called so i answered...
still very much chill.. haha
i didnt get angry.. i dont feel happy aswell.. im just.... blerghh... ahahaha
the word sweetheart is still there...
i guess from how i sound like now...
yeah.. i made it like theres nothing happen.. :)

talked to him as usual... saying i love u like i normally do..
making silly promises tho i knw its not gonna come true...
(i believe that when 1st promise has been broken.. then the second and the next 1 will end up the same... i believe so..)

i need to make it crystal clear here....
me and him does not hav any relationship of being a couple... tho we act like 1... but in the end.. we're not... love use to be so strong between us.. but now its just too blurr that i dont hav faith in it anymore.. :) i will let go if i knw its time to let go.. when i tell u this story.. bare in mind that this happens to people who dont declare their relationship and make it clear of where they stand in the relationship they're having...

so...
dia cakap dia akan mgdakan hubungan dgn prmpuan yg dia suka and same goes to me...
making promises as he always do to convince me that someday... one of the promise that has been made will come true...
i made a decision to let him be....
(its not the 1st time anyway i face these kind of people...)
but the diffrence now is..
he wants to be that way... not me...
i dont want to hav a relationship where i hav more than 1 partner... i'v gotten tired of it.. literally...
if u giv me a guy who can be suitable for me now i can assure u that he will be my 1 and only...
cause i dont just want it to be fun.. i want it to be serious too..

so when he said that...
i still didnt bother to care... cause he did it before anyway.. what diffrence does it make now?
so we still with this relationship where im being my not bother self and him being his usual self....
a dissapointment...

just now..
when i was about to sing for my cousin's wedding.. LOL.. (i suck btw..)
i saw an anonymous misscall...
i called the number and i end up hearing this lovely lady's voice...

now im curious... whats wrong here..
she end up asking me whether apis is my bf and what our relationship was about...
out of sympathy... and guilt... i told her he is just a friend of mine...
she wasnt convince but my answer make her at least feel at ease...
she even told me that if we happn to hav any relationship... she'll back off..
how nice....
the fact that we dont makes me feel sad for her... cause they havnt declare their relationship too..
:( so sad for her.. she sound nice.. how will she react?

she text me and asked me some other things that bothered her...
i answered them... convincing but not the whole truth...
i cudden bare telling her anything.... so all i can say is 'im sure he was just crapping around.... im sure he likes u a lot..!(or else he wont do what he did to me..)'

now i feel really bad..
its obvious im lying to myself...
im lying to her..
and we're both trap in the same situation...

i sound so upset dont i...
because of how he treat us... i feel bad now... i feel that i need to stop everything now...
he shud knw what he hav done..

trying to reach him but i cudden...
all i want to say to him is that for him to just stay with her and leave me be...
i knw... i'll be better off without him around...
and i knw after this.. i cud find myself a proper man to be with.. nt a boy but a man...
some1 like Lala....

i use to cry for this guy...
but now the tears knws when is the only time i can cry and i dont hav to cry...
which is more worth of shedding tears for and whats not...

it may seem hard to satisfy me...
but to be honest.. the only thing that is needed to make me satisfied is for him to be seriously honest and loyal...
loyalty has put its grades up in the same level of honesty... congratulation.. lol